My Love Esteem

My love esteem- out of blue

[Dear readers play the song " past lives" by farizki for full vibes in this part, on repeat]

___________________...__________________
'The waves are they real?'
'Or the ceiling is designed this way to make them see the infinite spectrum'
'infinite spectrum?'
'yes I mean after all everything is infinitely large until you find it's end'
'yeah that could be true, but I guess everything we consider infinity or infinitely large, we won't be able to find it's end'
'thats a good hypothetical'
'but see we have found the end of our skies but still we get another infinity'
'the space?'
'yeah'
'but what about the finite things that still we don't understand?'
'finite things?'
'yeah i mean look at your brain'
'haha very funny'
'but to be honest I don't think we are going somewhere with this'
'yeah i mean finite to infinite and then there comes the things that are so obvious still people don't understand'
'like?'
'communication'
___________________...__________________
I took out my phone immediately and tried to act as if I never saw her but I knew that she knew that I know that she is present in the bus.
Fuck! I am again becoming an uptight asshole.
Nevermind I will just act like I never saw her.
"Hey Zach"
She approached first and tapped me on my shoulder
I slightly turned back trying to hide the moisture in my eyes, I was feeling anxiety and nervousness. Then I turned and looked in her eyes, the eyes that seemed in pain yet wanted to be untouched, her hairs that seemed so effortless and yet so good, she was still the same Sarah I met a few years ago, her hand always as full of bands and rings but limited.
"Hi...i, hi!"
"Why were you avoiding me?"
"Oh no I wasn't, I totally was going to that baby"
"Baby?!"
"Yeah"
"You hate babies!"
"Oh yeah that's why I was totally going to throw it in the water"
"The hell..." She laughed out hard
But when she stopped her eyes became moist as if it was the first time she laughed.
"Hey mister!" A aunty tapped my shoulder from behind
"Yeah aunty?"
"What were you saying about my cute girl right now!?"
Sarah whispered slowly
"If you don't want to purchase diapers for her girl, then lets run"
We then jumped from the bus which was already on station and ran as fast as we could.
We both unknowingly reached at a park, the heisen park we both were gasping for air and then Sarah said
"So much thrill after a long time"
"Yeah"
"Always happens whenever I am with you"
"Really?"
"Yeah I am always gasping for air when I am with you "
She suddenly realised that my mind had took it the wrong way and she got embarassed too
"No that's not what I meant..no Zach"
"Gasping for air...!" I was laughing
"Shut up!" She started laughing too
"I hope you get your air next time!!"
I said when I was laughing and was barely understood to a normal human being but she understood it and we both shared a humour.
After sometime sitting on the bench
She said
"Too much to remember from this place"
"Too much to forget I prefer" i said in a sad voice
We just sat there for another half an hour saying nothing....

"Okay Zach let's start to move forward"
"Move forward?"
"Yeah aren't you going to have a little fun?"
"Fun at what?"
"The swings!"
"The swings?"
"Yeah"
"Why!?"
"Comeon Zach since when did you become so boring "
"I guess I became a lot"
"You seem a lot of different, but I still feel the same Zach I felt in the past"
"Yes Sarah, you know what changed me"
"The same thing that changed us"
"There is no us in this Sarah"
"Look I am sorry Zach okay "
"You are sorry ?"
"Where were you these past years "
"You were not sorry then huh?"
"I didn't knew what to do"
"Oh you didn't?"
"Then how did you expected that I would know things?"
She seemed so sad at that moment and yet she was trying so hard to not to sound dillusional her constant efforts of trying to put words together were flawless.
"Zach please come back"
"No Sarah"
"Don't you remember the winters the old store?"
"Sarah don't make remember those times" I said with sadness
"Are you saying you regret those memories?"
"No those were the best memories of my life till now " emotions flooded I couldn't believe I was saying that again
I can't lie to her she would know it immediately and don't want to either
"Sarah I have a different life now which you are not a part of" i said with a little bit of anger
"Zach please I can't really have fun in things without you, it's so fucking hard to get over you"
"You are in dillema Sarah"
"You have your own life too, choose your life over me like last time" I said
"Last time?"
"The only last time I remember is the winters" she said with moisture in her looking towards the sky which became so dark

Those sudden flashbacks hits us hard when you don't want to remember them. You can't specifically alter them but you can choose to hate them or love them and that is what makes you in conditioning. Were those memories really real?
Well those were real, you are not insane atleast not yet...

Me and Sarah never got together officially but in the end we were still together and now it didn't even matter to me but still her presence affected me....
Through this whole journey only the ups and down my emotions towards Sarah had led me here I hope one day this gets officially accelerated.

I will write the next part one day if I feel like ...
But most of the chances are i won't...
I know this chapter leaves a lot of questions but those questions shall remain unanswered.
Or maybe one day.