Brighter Than the Stars

Nicole - Dumb Things I Keep Saying

"Don't." I grabbed Leo's hand when Madeline said his name, probably so tightly it pinched. "Please, don't go."

"Nicole..." He rubbed his finger over the tiny scar on my pinkie. "I'll be fine. Nothing's going to happen to me. I'll be back before you know it. There will be plenty of other people there to watch out for me, and I won't be directly involved in the fighting myself. Hopefully, there won't be any fighting at all."

"You don't know that!" I was aware that I sounded like I was becoming hysterical, but I couldn't bring myself to care. "They said they're getting more and more violent–please, don't go." Isa got up to go, and I held on tighter to Leo's hand. "Leo, don't."

"I'm sorry; I have to. I'm not leaving you, okay? I'll come back. It may be a few hours, but I will be back."

"You don't know that! People leave and they don't come back!" How did I know it wouldn't be him? How did I know it wouldn't be intentional–that he would just get sick of me and leave? How did I know any of that? He reached to put his arm around me, and I pulled back. "Don't touch me! You're going to leave and not come back–you're going to sacrifice yourself in some stupid way!"

"Nicole. I'm not leaving you. This is not because of you. I'm leaving because I have to, because they need my help. I don't know everything for certain, but I will try my hardest to get back, and I'm not going to take stupids risks. Alright?" he said. "I love you."

"--coming back in a coffin," James said.

"I hate you," I spit out at Leo, then turned to James and screamed at him to shut up, before I left the room. Tears pricked at my eyes, and I blinked hard. What was wrong with me?

I got up into one of the library's porthole-type windows near the roof, my head against the glass. Annabelle came up a moment later, and left soon after–I didn't want to talk. I felt nauseous and horrible; if anything happened, the last thing I would have said to Leo was terrible.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I hated myself.

Why had I said that? Why had I said any of that? It would be my fault if something happened–I didn't blame him at all if he just chose to never come back, to leave me. I would leave me, too. I lost the battle with the tears I'd been fighting, and I rested my head on my knees and sobbed.

...

"Nicole. Hey." I woke up to someone gently shaking my shoulder, and blinked in the sudden light for a moment. "It's just me." Leo knelt on the top of the bookshelves, just a step down from the windowsill and when I sat up he gave me his usual dimpled smile.

I immediately burst into tears–because, apparently, today sucked.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I didn't mean it. I don't hate you–I don't hate you. I'm sorry I said I did, and I'm sorry I told James to shut up, and I'm sorry...I'm sorry. And I'm sorry that could have been the last thing I told you, ever–I'm so sorry."

"Hey, hey." He curled onto the windowsill with me, and I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest. I didn't want to look at him, because I knew it would probably be his disappointed face, the one he usually reserved for James and Annabelle whenever they did something stupid, but I figured telling him I hated him qualified as something 'stupid.' I wanted him to yell at me–to tell me he hated me, too, because I deserved that. "I know you don't hate me, and I know James would forgive you–he's probably already gotten into another argument with Annabelle."

"But what if you didn't come back? What if 'I hate you' was the last thing I ever said to you?"

"It wasn't. Even if it was, I knew you didn't mean it. I didn't think that you hated me–I wanted to come back to make it right, because you were upset and I never wanted to leave while I still needed to talk it out with you. I wish we'd had more time, because I know you don't like getting surprises dropped on you like that, but I know that's going to happen sometimes. And that's why I need to make it clear: if we were fighting, whatever we said is not going to be the last thing on my mind if something happens. I love you, no matter what. I have more than enough good memories with you, and those are what I'm going to be thinking about. I would also never leave you on purpose–I'm not going to walk out one day and choose not to come back. I'm always going to be coming back. I've watched you walk out that door and been terrified so many times that you wouldn't come back, that you would get hurt. Obviously, I pray that never happens, but I want you to know I love you in case it does. I want you to know that one argument does not define anything."

"I know. I'm sorry. It was just..sudden, and it scared me."

"And I don't blame you for it, nor am I mad at all. You were upset, and that's okay–even if I wish I'd had more time to talk to you." He ran his fingers through my hair, his voice even. "I'm always going to tell you before I have to go somewhere, no matter what. Worst case scenario, I send someone else. But I love you, always."

"I love you, too. And I'm sorry, still. For usually just telling you the opposite and screaming at you."

"I know, anyway." He kissed the top of my head. The sun was setting–disappearing behind the palace's gates into the city behind it in a golden ball of melted gold. All of Koyia seemed to burn that same gold colour as it set, the moon and stars appearing. I could see almost all of the city from here, and that was part of why I liked it–individual people were impossible to pick out, but the city looked more picturesque from here, without all the noise and buzz of the streets.

I could feel my eyes closing, Leo's breathing evening out beside me, and wanted to stay there forever, away from anything that could hurt him or anyone.

Word Count: 1,103