My Life's a Fermata

Rondo

A few days after I made my promise, Saki came to my house. She says she wanted to "meet" my violin, to see another instrument that carries the same emotions as her own. But the truth was clear, unable to be hidden. She wanted to make sure I don't break down again, to help me over the hurdle that stopped me from moving on, to free me from living under a fermata. I had no room to complain, no reason to stop her. So she tagged along on my inner journey to the past.

My violin was still laying in the closet where I left it a few years ago, thinking I'll never need it again. It was so precious to my younger self that I couldn't possibly bring myself to sell it, even though it would have supported both me and my mom for a good few months. I guess ever since then I had my answer. I couldn't abandon the violin

It was smaller than I remembered, but still carries the same weight, the burden only visible through the tear marks on the perfect coating. The instrument was once an extension of my arm, but now, it felt foreign, I did not know how to hold it so that it won't remind me of my past, so it won't haunt me, so it won't break me. But I had no choice, I had to play it, both for the dare and for myself.

I tuned the strings and slowly brought the instrument to my shoulder, feeling the familiarity of it, and smiled. I was not going to let that single memory hurt me. I raised my bow up to the violin, and played. The sound was shaky at first, but it grew steady as the muscle memory returned to me. The melody was extremely off-tune, and I could see Saki's pained smile, but it was beautiful in my ears. The violin, as always, brought back memories, but today, the memories were happy, whispering my lost passion for the instrument. It was the voice, I realized, that's bringing back all the memories. The voice that haunted me was just my love for the violin, it was my emotions that I refused to acknowledge all these years, it was my true self that was hidden behind the mask I built.

I made it through the whole piece, beaming, which brought a real smile to Saki's face, realizing her success. Afterwards, I decided, I would ask her to teach me the violin, to help me regain the part of me that was lost.

I was no longer afraid.