this is what falling in love feels like

songs that remind me of you

The night had already fallen, the hour later than most. Street lights were rare, head lights and moonlight being the only guidance as I drove down the familiar back road towards the place I knew all too well. I could feel every heart beat in my chest, taste the anxiety with each breath. My mind was a white cloud of too many thoughts yet none at all. Every part of me knew I would come to regret doing this; every part of me knew I would regret it more if I didn't. I could still taste the lingerings of those three words, still feel them rattling my mind as I had watched you drive away, away from me, away from us.

Pulling up to the red light, I flicked on my blinker. It ticked and ticked and ticked, a steady metronome to the songs that reminded me of you playing in the background. It was the playlist I had made for you, the one to which we listened on late night drives and early morning coffee sittings, the one composed of so many memories and so many lyrics I failed to say while I still could. I should have said them when I still could.

The light turned green, and I turned my steering wheel to the left, pulling out onto the highway. Memories flashed through my mind of that one time we decided to meet, and you flew passed me going 100mph in your determination to beat me to our destination. You wanted to beat me, and you stood there, beaming with that smile I love so dearly when I climbed out of my car. Tears brimmed my eyes when I saw no headlights behind me, though they never fell. They haven't fallen in months. Even when I still fell for you in the photos and the memories.

One more time, I flickered on my blinker and turned to the left, pulling into that familiar parking lot. My breath caught in my throat when I saw your car a few spots to the right of mine, backed in as you always did. Closing my eyes, I forced myself to breathe deeply, to recollect at least some composure before I saw you for the first time in months. Finally, I removed the keys from the ignition and climbed from the car. I slammed the door and locked it with a simple click. I heard your door open and close as well.

Then, I looked over, and I saw you, and immediately, all the warmth that had been missing for so long flooded my heart. I saw you, and you saw me, and while it instantly felt like no time had passed, the blue in your eyes alluded otherwise. There was sorrow in your eyes as if you knew without knowing how close you had gotten to ruining me. You almost ruined me, and yet, somehow just seeing you seemed to mend my heart just the littlest bit.

"Hey," you said.

"Hi," I said. "How are you?"

I saw the hesitation in your breaths before you said, "Let's go inside, okay?"

Nodding, I followed you into the restaurant, the Waffle House we had frequented so much for so little time. The building was empty but for the cook and a singular waitress. It was ours for the taking as we claimed the booth in the far right corner, sitting across from one another as we had done so many times. We order our respective coffee and chocolate milk before falling into silence, only the jukebox playing some song in the background.

"How are you?" you finally asked me.

"I'm good," I said, taking a sip of my coffee. "Got a new job, moved out of my parent's house, making all the big girl moves."

"That's awesome!" you said. "I'm really happy for you."

I nodded, and the silence returned. Until finally, I asked the overarchingly daunting question, "Why did you ask to meet me here?"

You dragged a hand through your hair and sighed. I watched as you searched for the words to say, the right way to word your response. You took a deep breath and said, "I miss you."

It took everything in me not to laugh. "You miss me?" I asked in disbelief, nearing the tears that had not fallen in months. "You don't get to just walk away then text me out of the blue to say you miss me. I would have done anything for you. I would have killed to hear you say that months ago, but you didn't. You told me you loved me, then you drove away. You gave up on me, on us, so you don't get to just say you miss me."

"I know," you said, and I could hear the defeat in your voice.

"No," I said. "You don't know. You almost ruined me. You knew I was hanging on by the thread, and yet, you still left. So, no, you don't know the literal hell I've been through without you. I needed you, and you acted like you didn't give a shit."

"You know that's not true," you said. "You know how much I care about you."

"Well, you sure have a shit way of showing it."

"I know!" Your voice filled to the brim with emotion, cracking slightly as you said, "I fucked up, okay? I fucked up, and I'm trying to fix it."

"How?" I asked. "By turning up months after leaving and bringing me to our spot and telling me you miss me?"

"I just-" You hesitated. There were tears in your eyes as you said, "I thought it would be easier to fix myself without you. So I wouldn't hurt you anymore. But, all I did was hurt you more, and I'm sorry."

"I don't know what you want me to say," I said. My coffee had long gone cold, yet I still wrapped my hands around the mug as though it was enough to comfort my aching heart, my throbbing mind.

"Just say it's not too late," you said.

"Too late for what?" I asked.

"Too late to take me back."

I sighed and dragged a hand through my hair. "Give me one good reason."

"Because I miss you," you said. "Because I'm so fucking in love with you that I can't spend another night alone."

The tears that had threatened to fall for months simmered and simmered until a single one fell. I immediately wiped it away, though still you saw.

"I love you," you said again, softer this time as if just for me. "Please. Just tell me you still love me."

"Of course, I still love you," I said honestly. "I never stopped. I never will."

"Then, please," you pleaded. "Just take me back."

Tears stream down my cheeks when I finally wake. The bed is emptier than ever. I pick up my phone to see the photo of you I never took down and find no notifications. Sliding it unlocked, I open our messages, reading through the last message sent all those months ago.

"I'll love you forever and always."

And I know, no matter how much I dream of you being back in my arms, that's all it will ever be. You are nothing more than a dream to me anymore. So, I roll back over in this empty bed, feeling the tears roll down my cheeks as I return to dreams that will never be.