tori + michael; solitaire continues

part 1

Im in my room. There arent lights around me but that of my dim lightbulb on its lowest setting and the low glow of my laptop shining on my face. There are raindrops outside hitting the rotting leaves outside my frosty bedroom window. Phoebe bridgers motion sickness playing in my ears from my painfully oversized and fashionable headphones. My stomach hurts like a bitch and im waiting for something. i dont know what. Its not like id even go to a party if becky invited me to one. I hate parties. My shoulder hurts from sitting up on it to type meaninglessly on my computer. Its not like i will actually post anything but scrolling and drafting up posts for my blog is something to do. "I hate-" charlie is here. he knocked all but twice and stood in my doorway. i pulled my headphones off and apparently my music was so loud that i didnt hear him calling me from downstairs at least three times. "Well what is it then" i smiled at him. Not a sincere smile but i dont want him thinking im upset with him so i tried making up for snapping at him. "Come in" i said. I struggled to sit up all the way because my shoulder was killing me more now that i moved it. I wonder if my muscles could get permanently damaged because of the amount i am constantly leaning it when im on my laptop in bed. Im interrupted by charlie handing me a fresh glass of diet lemonade. The straw is orange and bendy. I wish it was purple. I looked up at him and smiled a weak smile. He sat down on my bed and i could tell he could tell he was bothering me. I tried my best to look as interested as possible. Then he said "are you okay tori". I never know how to answer that question. "How are you", "all right?" no one ever actually cares. They dont wanna know how bad you are or how you fought with your mom and were upset about it. They dont actually have empathy about that kind of thing. They would regret it immediately if i actually told them what was in my head instead of having the appropriate respons;"im great".I know charlie does though so i really didnt know what to say. How am i supposed to tell him that im so unhappy when he has dealt with everything he has? What reason do i have? Charlie asked again. "Tori are you okay" when i hear that question i feel the need to run over my memories of the recent days and weeks. How should i feel right now? Nothing insanely important or bad happened. Im only in a small fight with michael. We will makeup. Its what we do. Michael was sick and so we couldnt see eachother. I dont even really know what the fight was about. I had been wearing my dark red jumper and we were talking in front of truman waiting for charlie. He was being weird. Less michael than normal. He wasnt smiling. I almost didnt say anything. I normally wouldn't have but i saw ben walk up the road and suddenly felt some need to initiate some sort of conversation to avoid thinking about the situation that charlie still wont fill me in on. I pulled on his jacket sleeve and he didnt look at me. He was thinking about something. I couldnt tell if he was angry or sad. Did something happen that he hadnt told me about? Was this all my imagination? I said his name and waited for his response. His face suddenly had some realization and he snapped back into reality. He looked at me and said "hello tori spring" "how is the weather this fine day?" he says. Making some funny movement like a weather forecaster would cold a microphone. I didnt want to bother but for some reason, i was worried. After everything with charlie i couldnt allow myself to miss the signs again. "What was that" "what was what? Hes acting like he wasnt in his own world just now. It is infuriating. "You were gone" i said. "Im right here" he said smugly trying to bend down and meet my eyes. I glared at him. Then suddenly his eyes changed. He was angry. Was he angry with me? "What tori" i will never get used to this tone. I dont even know how i would describe it, it happened so fast. "Are you going to tell me whats wrong?" "nothing is wrong tori" he almost yelled and then i saw some regret in his eyes. Charlie started heading towards us from school with a bright smile on his face. He liked me with michael. He had told me that michael brought something different out in me. I didnt know what he meant. When michael saw charlie coming he leaned down slowly and said in a calm monotone voice, "im gonna take the bus". And then he walked away.

This was four days ago.

Charlie put his hand on my forearm and i looked at him. The look on his face scared me because he had a tear falling from his right cheek. And then i realized it was because i had been crying. My face was wet. I still didnt know how to answer his question. Charlie sat there looking at me for what felt like forever and then he pulled me into a big hug. We sat there for a long time. In the dark, the silence. I cried more. I tried to be quiet. I dont want charlie to be worried about me. I dont know why im crying. It wasnt even that big of a deal. Michael was upset with me- or maybe it wasnt even about me. I just knew that i couldnt lose him. He had grown into my life and i had gotten used to him always being there. Its not like its been years. Its been three months since we kissed for the first time.
I gave charlie the go ahead look that says "im okay you can go now" and he did. He closed the door behind him on the way out closing me into the darkness once again. I sat there for a moment and make a decision. I got off my bed, stood there for a good two minutes dazing off, and then i walked into the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later im pulling a clean-ish jumper over my wet hair and pulling on my favorite dark red sweatpants. They are just long enough that i can pull them off with hightop shoes. They are almost too short for my legs. I looked at myself in the mirror for five seconds tops and walked out my door. It was 7:56 and i walked two blocks north of my house. I sat at the gross bus stop for a few minutes until i got on and to no surprise, i was the only one riding. Me and what had to be a lucius malfoy lookalike, the driver. I went near the back and sat on the cleanest looking seat. Twenty minutes later i was walking up the hill to his house. Im not even sure why. Michael is sick and im sure he doesnt want to see anyone. I decided that unless i could find someone to reimburse me for the 6 dollar bus ride, i wasnt leaving. At least until i could get a hold of nick or becky to pick me up. No way id ask my mother. I walked further up the hill and then suddenly i was at his door. I contemplated ringing or knocking and then decided id knock. What if their doorbell was out of order? Then id have to knock anyways. Might as well go with plan b for plan a. I knocked three times. Their lawn smelt like it had just been mowed. I loved the smell. Too bad i cant sit on grass without hiving up. Still looking at the grass and the door opened. I turned my head and there he was. His hair was extra fuzzy around his ears and he was wearing an alien t shirt and black shorts, maybe boxers. His nose was red so i could tell hed been sick. "Hi", he said. I looked at him. He was smiling. His smile looked extra funny because the sun was right in his eyes. "Whats up" i said. Stupid question. He looked confused too. Why was i there. "Ive been napping mostly. I dont feel amazing" he said. I walked right past him and towards his room. what am i doing? "Hey there my room isnt clean". I walked in. the floor was spotless. There was a single trashcan with two or three tissues in it. His bed was made but i could tell he had been laying on top of it. I sat down on his bed and he stood in the doorway.