SHINING STAR II OUTER BANKS CAST II REAL LIFE

respect for oneself

A few days after our 'being back in Charleston' party, we finally started filming. Season three is finally ready to be created. Feels freaking good. Season three of me being an actress. People have been loving the show and the character that I play. I've got great comments under each post and met so many amazing fans. 

I've never imagined to become a famous actress. I also never thought I'd give up being a singer most of the time. I sometimes wish I could go back to be with my family and friends from home and just sing for a living. I haven't visited them in such a long time. I don't have to visit my friends every week but I should have seen my family in two years. 

Covid's done its job but it's more than that. As soon as restrictions fell, I still had other plans. Rudy and I booked a trip to Mexico, Vancouver, Rio de Janeiro and many other places. The more we travelled, the more I forgot to call my mom, my dad, my friends. I completely exchanged my life, the people in it and my lifestyle in general. 

I used to travel a lot for work and be on stage many times but this is so much bigger here. I don't travel from city to city anymore. It's about different states, countries, continents. I don't meet famous people who are my friends anymore but I get to know the greatest celebrities each day. At every gala, there's one more celebrity who I never thought I'd meet. 

"Griffey?", I say as I pick up the phone when my stylist Tina tells me that my phone is ringing. "Have you forgotten your dad's cellphone number?", I hear the disappointed voice of my dad. I should have called him and mom four weeks ago but we came back to Charleston and were hanging out together and.. I just didn't prioritise talking to them or anyone else in my home country. 

"Sorry, dad, I didn't look at the caller ID", I reply apologetically. Him being a native-american speaker makes our conversation a lot easier. After being here for more than three years, I got used to speaking English every day. "Your mom called me and asked if I knew how you were doing." Reproach. Guilt. "I wanted to call her.. I just-" 

"You're busy, I know. And that's fine", dad says softly but sighs right afterwards, "You need to rest sometimes. I know what it's like building a career and you're having one worldwide.. effort and consistency is important. But.." "I haven't taken care of my friends and family lately, I know", I sigh sadly having to admit it for real. It was a lot easier when I told myself I'd call them the next day. The next day, I would tell myself the same. 

"How many vacations have you been on with Rudy?" "I don't know.. four maybe five. We've had a few business trips as well." "And how often have you been home, called us or any of your friends? Are you even talking to one of them regularly?" "I got it, dad, alright?", I groan annoyedly, "I'm mature, you know? I just.. did one of them visit me during this time? Why is it me who has to be responsible the whole time? The past two years felt light.. a lot more than my childhood or teenage years." 

"I understand you, Sarah. But without an information where you currently live, no one can visit you. We don't know if you're in Charleston or Los Angeles or somewhere else." "I get it, okay? I made a huge mistake and I wasn't-", I interrupt myself. I wasn't good enough. I was trying to live a life following my pure emotions but it turned out that I actually hurt most of the people who care about me. I lost them and I lost a huge part of myself. The person today is also a part of me. But it's only been a few years. Most of my life, I've been someone else than today. And I liked who I was. Without knowing or realizing it during the time, I got lost in this life and in my relationship. 

Isn't it ironic how I moved here to get over a relationship which I've invested too much into just to be in another relationship that I've gave up everything for? I need to start watching my own life from a third person's perspective. 

"It's not that serious, Sarah. Just call us regularly and it's fine. We were worried, not angry." "You don't need to worry about me, dad", I reply shaking my head. He shouldn't even be confused about not seeing me regularly. When mom and him got separated, I've lived with mom and my sister lived with him. I haven't seen him in months, sometimes even more than a year. 

I've built a home with my ex just to watch it burn. I'm building a home with Rudy just to realize that it was never about building a home at all. I've got a place where I belong to. I've lived with my mom and my uncle for years and we've always had a great time. I left them because I had to leave this city. Maybe I should have just fallen in love with this place again before I completely abandon so important people in my life. 

Rudy and I have visitied them, yes, but when? More than two years ago. We've visited his family three times a year. God, I should have fought for my own needs more often. It's not like it's Rudy's fault, not at all. Of course, he could have asked about me and my home sometimes but the main issue is myself. 

I didn't respect myself and my needs enough to do it like him. Visit my family often, love my home town. I've let myself lose myself in this relationship and I've ruined it all. I'm not who I was anymore. Changing is fine and I love becoming better each day but this is not the change I wanted or needed. I've been doing the same mistakes just like I did during my last relationship. I completely concentrated on what my boyfriend wants and needs instead of myself. 

I am responsible for these changes and I'm going to take positive action to be the version of myself that I loved so full-heartedly. "I need to hang up now. I'll call mom and you tomorrow", I promise my dad before hanging up so I can make a plan for the future, a realistic one.