Asmodeus- the God of LUST ✅

14. Unknown People

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Y/N-

I hit my period a bit early this month, but the pain is unbearable. I know it happens to me when the flow is barely there, but this month may be the physical hurt matches the inner hurt and I feel shit.

Samuel asked to meet me again today and I refused him again. I'm not sure if it's because of a specific someone or my periods, but while I lay in my bed looking at the ceiling deep in my thoughts, all I could think of was how he came in here that night.

After that enchanting night, I spent with Jimin, who claimed he couldn't commit to anything... That there is no way we could ever be together. I wasn't searching for a commitment, but I didn't want him to reject me so harshly. He had an air of assurance about him. He's like an elusive apple; I desire him but can't have him.

Although I despised the man from the depths, it wasn't as if he wanted that to happen. I was the one who drew him in, and I was the one who needed him. I was the one who pretended to be desperate, and all I feel now is utter crap and humiliation. After what we did behind Taehyung's back, I'm afraid of approaching him, of talking to him... I'm not sure how I feel about it. I am an adult who accepts responsibility for my deeds, so how could I let Taehyung down? 

Letting down the only person who is still on my side despite everything I've been through... It's quite shaky.

I wish I had said yes to Samuel that day because I wouldn't be looking at my ceiling like a moronic fuck now. We would have gone on a date, but I couldn't force myself to meet anyone, much alone any guy but a particular blonde. He has absolutely, irrevocably, and extensively damaged me for anyone else. Sex with him was more than that... 

It was much more than anything physical because I felt it, and I know he felt it too, and I'm convinced I've lost a piece of myself in him, which I won't be able to find on my own.

He called me several times, but the sense of abandonment left me with no option but to ignore him. I'm running from my problems again, I know that but I can't help being sad.

I was afraid, afraid of another heartbreak, another person who'd leave me without my dignity, taking another piece of me, taking whatever is left of me. I might be strong outside but this little scared and hungry-for-love girl resides inside me.

I can't break myself, and I can't bear another heartbreak. I've never had a mother's love, and my father never loved me enough since I reminded him of his late wife. He had always pushed me away from him, which I didn't mind much... 

But now when the push comes from the person you didn't expect or rather don't want from, just pierce the soul in half. The agony burns inside my veins like molten lava in my bloodstream.

Out of my father's abandonment came these incredible three brothers, Jungkook, and my friends. Jimin, as well... He's a jerk, yet he holds a particular place in my heart. And god, he's a god in bed. The pseudonym 'Deus' fits him like a glove. 

Also, the night earlier, I noticed something dark in his eyes that reminded me of what I see every day in the mirror. He was coping with something on his own, and yet he was always calm with a smile on his face.