Forbidden Passion (Alan Rickman FF) ENGLISH VERSION

Chapter 19

"I'm sorry," he repeated, "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm an old fool who sometimes just can't find the right words. Hard to imagine, but there it is." Alan felt responsible for her sadness; after all, it had been his statement that had made her cry. Still he held her tightly in his arms, her head resting on his chest. Slowly he stroked her back, enjoying the sensations the closeness and familiarity caused in him.

Rosalyn breathed in Alan's unique scent, letting it envelop her, and wrapped her arms around him. His fingers roamed over her backside, which felt fantastic. But the situation was deceptive, she shouldn't feel so comfortable around him, after all it was short-lived, a moment in a wonderful dream world. Reluctantly, she detached herself from him, wiped the tears from her face with her sleeve and looked into his eyes, which scrutinized her anxiously. "Alan, I can't stand all this anymore, that's also the real reason why I didn't want to work for you anymore," she spoke to him softly.

"What do you mean by that? What do you want to tell me? I've had the feeling for a while that you've been avoiding me and that something is bothering you. Today would be the best time to talk about it. Please don't go, let's be honest with each other." He gently stroked her arm. He wanted to motivate her to finally speak her thoughts. "Tell me what makes you so sad, I want to know. Maybe I can help you, but it won't work unless you talk to me."

"Alan I can't. I can't, you're the reason. It's better that we don't see each other regularly in the future, only if it's absolutely necessary," Rosalyn told him. Still they stood in the room, no one seemed to want to sit down.

"I know, I'm sorry. I haven't always been fair to you. I should have invited you much more often, given you gifts for your birthday, or given you a bouquet of flowers for no particular reason. I can understand that I disappointed you. But don't give up on us, hopefully I can make it up to you." He stood right in front of her and looked at her extensively. If things weren't so tense right now, he could have enjoyed her closeness even more. What was she doing to him? Alan lost himself in his feelings, the way she touched him, her eyes, everything about her he found arousing, he almost didn't listen to her when she reacted to his statement.

"It has nothing at all to do with the things you mentioned, it's not about material matters," Rosalyn objected, "it's about you as a person. I have inappropriate feelings that I can't deny, especially when I'm around you." Her words weighed too heavily, so she lowered her head so she wouldn't have to look him in the eye. "It really would be better if I went home before I regret what I just said to you," she continued to murmur. She kept avoiding looking at Alan.

"What are you trying to tell me?" he asked in surprise, not understanding at all at the moment what she was trying to tell him with her words. Agitated, he looked at Rosalyn, trying to understand what was going on in her head.

"Don't make this harder for me than it already is," she spoke softly, "I fell in love with you. I swear to you, I didn't mean to. I've always found you attractive as an actor, even before we worked together. But after I got to know you better through work, my feelings for you deepened further. The situation with Mary has put additional strain on me, and I also believe that your wife has since noticed how I feel about you. That will be the real reason why she doesn't like me." Taking a deep breath, she finally dared to look at Alan. She just had to know how he would react to her confession. But when she looked up at him, he just looked at her in dismay, without saying a word.

Alan was surprised. He was completely unaware of the full implications of her confession; it caught him completely off guard. "You fell in love with me?" he asked, perplexed, "but I'm so much older than you, what could you possibly want from me?" Still he didn't understand what had just happened, as it just seemed so incomprehensible to him.

"I know it's a mistake that I just confessed the truth to you, but I want you to know that I love you and that won't change in the future. I never want to talk about this subject again. You're married and of course you should save your marriage, because you didn't take that step carelessly then, but because you loved Mary." Ashamed, she wanted to turn away, but Alan stopped her.

"You can't leave now, I have something to tell you too," he confessed. His voice had become rough, he swallowed hard. He wanted her to be honest with him, now he had to follow her example. "You should look at me when you do that, though," he urged her. He waited patiently until Rosalyn had once again wiped away her tears and looked up at him again. "I feel something for you, too. I can't quite put into words how deep my feelings for you are yet. I like you, a lot." Alan let the words sink in for a moment before continuing. "Of course, you're right. I should try to save my marriage, but your closeness still feels right to me. I'd like to spend more time with you."

Rosalyn looked at Alan, speechless with surprise. He felt similarly to her, but unlike her, he was not yet sure of his feelings. "What does all this mean for the future of our work together?" she asked him, perplexed. Wouldn't it be extremely strange to continue working with him? Time would tell best, she could always quit and make a new life in another area if the situation became too unbearable.

"I don't know Rosalyn," Alan confessed honestly, stroking her cheek delicately with his fingers. "I'm still going to fly to Paris with Mary next weekend. I need to give my existing relationship another chance. After all, my wife planned this trip in hopes of reaching an agreement so we won't be fighting all the time in the future. We need a solution as a couple. I don't want to imagine at all what a divorce would mean in public. It would be an unbearable situation for all of us. We certainly wouldn't have a quiet minute anymore. Paparazzi, countless newspaper articles, there's no imagining what would come our way, including you." Disappointed, he looked at her, feeling sorry for his own words. If it were possible, he would disappear with Rosalyn to a desert island and stay there forever, but life was not that easy. "Why don't we sit down and order dessert and coffee?" he suggested, so the evening wouldn't be over yet. He didn't want her to leave under any circumstances, after all, one couldn't just let a confession like that stand. Alan stepped up to the bar cabinet and filled two glasses generously with whiskey. "I think we could use that right now," he tried to lighten the mood and held the drink out to his assistant.

Rosalyn nodded wordlessly, took the glass and emptied the content in a few gulps. Disgusted, she contorted her face, the alcohol burning unpleasantly sharp in her throat. "That was absolutely necessary," she spoke in a raspy voice and went back to her seat to sit down. She would take Alan's suggestion and stay a little longer. She would be far too agitated now anyway to declare the evening over.