The Secrets We Keep

I Thought We Fixed This

We set out early. The snow had melted and the temperature had risen. Thank god, because there is no way I'd get back on the bike if it was snowing. But the bike offered less conversation, and Daryl didn't know it, but I was angry with him. I was angry that he tensed when he thought I was going to say the word love. Which wasn't fair to him, his reaction is valid, but I was hurt and didn't want to talk to him.

After a couple hours, I had Daryl pull over so I could radio Lita and let her know we're close. There was no answer. I tried again, no answer.

"What's goin' on?" Daryl asked, coming up behind me.

"They aren't responding." I said, trying to stay calm.

"When did ya talk last?"

"Yesterday, before we left. That was on the long range back home. These radios are short range and we are just now in range." Daryl put a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him off.

"Come on, we better get going. Let's get a little closer, stash the bike and go the rest of the way on foot."

I didn't answer him— I just climbed on. We drove for a couple more hours, then pulled off, covered the bike with branches, and took off on foot. Neither of us spoke except for me trying to reach anyone over the radio. "Fuck." I stopped walking. "Fuck. I'm scared. It feels like something bad happened." I didn't mean to say it out loud.

"Maybe it was the storm. Let's not worry until we need to." He was trying to reassure me, but I didn't find anything he said comforting. At least not right now. He reached for me again and I pulled away. "What is yer damn problem today? Been mean to me ever since we left. Won't even let me touch ya."

"Nothing. Let's keep moving."Just as we started again, six walkers came out of the timber.

"Let's go. We can outrun them. We don't need to fight." He grabbed my hand and tried to pull me, but I shook him off and ran at the group.

"I can take them." I'll take my frustrations out on them before I try to stab Daryl. I pulled both my knives out and sunk one into the skull of the first walker. I spun and caught the second one.

"Dammit! I said we didn't need to-" Daryl was annoyed and I really didn't care.

"I said I can take them." I swept my leg and knocked the third one down. Stomping its head after it fell; my boot now covered in black filth and brain matter. The next one was too close so I kicked it back, lining it up with the fifth walker. I ran at them, just before passing though them I slid to my knees. When I popped back, they turned in to catch me and got caught up on each other. My knives easily sliced through their decaying flesh and into their brains. Before I could catch my breath, the sixth one was on me. It grabbed at my hood and yanked me back. I panicked for a split second too long. It got another hand on my hair and yanked again. I stumbled backwards. As I was falling, I heard a bolt knock, then a whir as it released. The walker went limp and I fell on top of it. I rolled off it quickly and stood up. I was panting and pissed.

"I SAID I HAD IT." I yelled at him.

"No, you had the first five and let your guard down." He was coming closer to me. "Yer gonna get yerself killed doin' stupid shit like that."

"WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?" I was in his face.

"Because, I care about you." He sounded offended. "What the hell do ya even mean? 'Course I care about ya. I thought we took care of this last night." He shook his head. Fuck, now I feel bad. I have to stop doing that.

"I-I'm just overwhelmed and scared. I shouldn't have-" I looked down at myself. I was covered in black gore. "I should have listened to you." I tried wiping my hands on my pants, but it had already started drying. Tears stung at the back of my eyes. "What if more of the Reapers followed me and attacked. Oh god. We have to go, now!" I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. I was sobbing and shaking and still trying to get the blood off my hands. I felt that familiar rush and head started pounding. It was hard to breath and my vision started to go. Panic attack. I went to my knees and dug my fingers in the wet ground.

"River, look at me." Daryl was in front of me, but his voice was far away because my own heartbeat was too loud. "River, baby." I was frozen in place remembering everything. The Governor, Negan, Alpha, the Reapers. All of them. It was never the dead, always the living. Something cold touched my face and my eyes snapped up. Daryl was cleaning my face with a damp cloth. He was talking, but I still couldn't hear.

"Huh?"

"Your hands, let me see your hands." He said, gently. I pulled my fingers from the mud and let him them clean for me. "What happened?" He pulled me to his chest and I melted into him. I gripped his shirt as silent tears fell. He held me so tenderly. I was embarrassed to tell him, but he needed to know that I was broken.

"I get...panic attacks sometimes. They come on hard and fast. Ever since...you were right, I shouldn't have been out here on my own. I'm not strong like the others," tears falling again. I couldn't look at him. His words from Carol's reminding me of how fragile I am.

"River," his voice cracked a little. "I never meant that ya aren't strong. Hell, ya might be stronger than me." He chuckled. He was rubbing circles in my back. "River, look at me." I looked up at him, he also had tears in his eyes. "Why didn't ya tell me about your panic attacks?"

"I-I was embarrassed. I thought if you knew, you would think I was weak or a liability. You wouldn't want to," I wanted to say love, but I was afraid. If I say it and he doesn't feel the same, I'll be crushed and I don't think I can handle that. "Be with me if I was broken." I was sobbing again because I was still feeling the panic attack and because the thought of Daryl not loving me back was crushing me.

"We're all a little broken. It's how we survived for so long." He laced his fingers with mine and brought my hand to his lips and kissed. "A panic attack can't stop me from," he paused looking for the right word. My heart jolted in anticipation. "Being with you." I sighed in disappointment. I really thought he was going to say it. Maybe, he did want to say it and couldn't. Maybe, we didn't need to say it. But, I wanted to; because that's how I feel. I told myself after... well after my last relationship, I'd say it when I felt it no matter what.

"I love you." I whispered. I wanted to puke. I was embarrassed and worried. I felt his body jump slightly when I said it. I tried to read his expression, but it was blank. He brought his forehead to mine and closed his eyes.

"I know." He said, putting his hands on my cheeks. "But, I can't." He lifted his head and kissed my forehead.

"I know." I put my hands over his. "It's okay." But it wasn't. I needed to hear it. I needed to know that he felt the same, that we weren't wasting our time. I needed to know that I meant more to him than a neighbor he could screw whenever he wanted it. I wanted him to love me back.