Loveless

Chapter 8

She did it.

She actually fucking did it.

Changbin shouldn't be surprised. She loves Hyunjin, after all.

She's loved Hyunjin since before Changbin even knew her, so really, it shouldn't be any kind of twisted revelation that she took the opportunity to be with him when it was handed to her on a silver plate.

Hell, Changbin supposes he would have done the same thing.

If he were locked in a room with Elena and promised a single night of undisturbed privacy, he'd be more than eager to indulge without a second thought, losing himself in the girl he loves until morning.

But that's just the thing.

He didn't.

When he was finally faced with the girl he always believed was his one and only, he found himself unable to go through with it.

He wonders what it all means.

It wasn't the fear of being caught that stopped him. No, Changbin doesn't feel fear the same way others do; occupational hazard. It wasn't fear of underperforming or anything so trivial as that; Changbin knows he's a giver in all senses of the word. It wasn't even that he wasn't ready; it was all he was supposed to have ever wanted. To somehow make his mark on her that she might be reminded of him in the most fleeting or mundane of moments after they parted.

So yes. In theory, there was nothing stopping him.

Yet in practice?

Something did.

Something he doesn't really understand himself.

All he knows for sure is that if he'd had any idea that this was how things were going to play out when Hyunjin approached him the previous night, he wouldn't have agreed to anything at all.

In truth, he's not even sure why he agreed to it in the first place.

"Just one night," Hyunjin had pleaded, "I know you don't care for her the way I do. Just like you know I'm not interested in Elena the same way you are."

Changbin's defences had jumped into overdrive on the accusations, blowing them off like they were nothing more than weightless air. But Hyunjin maintained, relentless in his poking and prodding, claiming to see everything they tried so hard to hide from scrutinising eyes.

There was only so long Changbin could refute and deny, and the realisation that Hyunjin was putting himself at just as much a risk with the heartfelt appeal was something of a reassurance. At least it gave Changbin leverage, if he ever needed it. He almost admired the determination it took to approach him with such a wild idea; though Changbin knows well enough that love often begets desperation.

"Just before lights out, we'll swap, and come the morning we'll be right back where we're supposed to be. Like nothing ever happened. I can't tell you how, but I guarantee, we won't be found out. This is the only opportunity we'll ever get, Changbin. Please."

Perhaps Changbin had believed it wouldn't happen; Hyunjin's proposition was insane enough to call for an element of disbelief. Not to mention his guarantee was lacklustre at best, with neither a solid foundation nor reason for him to trust it. Regardless, Changbin found himself wholly detached from the idea. It had no form or tangible structure, as though Hyunjin was speaking of dreams and fantasies.

He thinks that maybe that's why he agreed, in the end, despite his nagging gut feeling that spoke of impending regret. He's never ignored those instincts before, never actively shunned them in favour of a path he knows is less trodden for good reason. They keep him alive when he's on a job, keep him grounded when he's not. They're certainly more reliable than any person he could go to, as history has shown him.