Loveless

Chapter 9

Not a single part of you wants to attend this dinner.

You find yourself weighing up the pros and cons of death by starvation, discovering painfully few cons in the idea.

Facing Hyunjin again will be an exercise in sheer willpower, you're sure. How you're supposed to look him in the eye and pretend that he didn't take your virginity only the night before escapes you, for if your words don't give you away, your demeanour certainly will.

The mere thought of smiling and making friendly with Elena makes your stomach whirl with anxiety, despite the fact that—if Changbin's account of the night before is anything to go by—she's probably just as apprehensive as you, in terrible turmoil. Albeit of a different kind.

Chan and Eve will be there too; hardly a pair you'd choose to dine with if you had any say in the matter, though you wish that was different. Whatever Chan's reasons for his clear hatred of Imperators and by extension, your consort himself, they seem enough to put an end to any prospective friendship you might have had with the couple.

You doubt even the natural brightness that Jisung and Daphne bring to any room they're in will be enough to overpower the awkward tension that will no doubt settle in once small talk runs its course.

Then there's him.

Changbin.

Perhaps there's too much to be said for him.

Is he no more than a rake for agreeing to Hyunjin's proposition? Is he an unwitting genius for finding a way to turn it into something that resolved a source of endless worry? Or is he just a man? Trying to navigate the match he's been thrown into with emotions running high while fate seems intent on working against him?

His words to you from the maze garden ring clear as though freshly spoken.

Not last night. Not once. Not ever.

The revelation that he never slept with Elena had knocked every one of your expectations askew, had forced you to realign them to this new truth.

Most everything about Changbin implies a confidence that you've always believed could only come from knowing oneself in all aspects. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.

Yes, he's made it clear that there are ways to go about expressing intimacy with actually having sex, and you're hardly naïve to those ways. Restraint can often yield more satisfying rewards. But it had never crossed your mind before that, given the choice, he would choose to exercise such restraint with a girl he claims to love. Indeed, the way he simply talks about Elena makes your own skin tingle with anticipatory desire.

You know you aren't insane to have imagined the glint to his eye, the air of desire he speaks with, the occasional glance he steals at your figure. Relatively quickly, you sussed out that Changbin is a man that has no issue purveying his masculinity or sexuality.

Yet now, you're discovering that the two don't have to be intrinsically linked. In fact, they're mutually exclusive.

Changbin didn't need to have sex with Elena to be sure of his love for her. He didn't need to have sex with her to be sure of himself, either.

An obvious thing, you know, yet it's something you seem to have forgotten. Something you were only reminded of by Changbin's admittance.

You wonder where along the line you started to believe that sex is the beginning and end of every relationship. That having sex with someone is the very truest demonstration of unconditional love and commitment.

Because, quite simply, it's not.

Being at the Chambers has done something to you, you realise. The constant reinforcement of sex and consummation as a sign of compatibility—a sign of worthiness—has chipped away at your own sense of self, your own storied belief that love may conquer all, given the chance.