Haunted (Larry Stylinson)

Epilogue- Suicide Note

To Louis 

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I suppose that I should write this rather quickly because I don't know how much time I have until somebody comes running in here. I hope it isn't you, Louis. I don't want you to have to see this, see me like this. 

I also suppose that I should say that I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm not sorry. I hate the fact that I have to leave you like this, but I know that it's the best thing for me. It's really selfish and incredibly unfair to everyone else, but I can't do this anymore. 

But I am sorry for the fact that this will undoubtably cause you pain. I wish that I could find another way, but I can't. 

This isn't a spur of the moment thing. I've been wanting to die for a little less than a year now, but I've tried to hold on the best that I can because I know that this is going to hurt people. But I'm too weak to hold on anymore and my one reason to stay is gone. 

You're my reason. 

I'm in love with you, Louis. I love you so fucking much that it's literally killing me. I thought that maybe I had a tiny chance with you, but the second I saw that ring, I knew that there never really was a chance. 

I guess you could say that I fell hard for you and never got back up.

You know, today I spent most of the day watching fan videos and looking at pictures of us. I used to try and convince myself that there was something more that the fans were seeing between us and that you just hadn't seen it yourself yet. But after a while, I think I knew that it wasn't true and it would always be 'bullshit' to you. 

We kissed once, you and I, when we were both drunk. I wasn't that drunk but you were so pissed that I had no idea how you were even sitting up by yourself. Afterwards, I thought that maybe that was it, maybe we could be together. But in the morning, you didn't remember and you introduced me to your new girlfriend. 

The night that she broke up with you, you and I slept together. It was the most amazing night of my entire life because for once, you were loving me like I needed you too.  

And when it was over, you did tell me that you loved me.  

But you called me El. 

I think I should be scared right now, but I'm not. I feel so numb, but that might be the pills talking. I'm not tired yet, but I know I will be soon.

I can't even cry, Lou. I feel like I should be, but I can't. I'm so numb and in shock and I think I might be a little excited because finally, finally I won't have to hurt anymore. I can be happy, maybe. Maybe not, because I don't think I'll be happy wherever I go, just because you won't be there with me.

Along with the cutting, I've become addicted to my anti-depressants and panic attack medication. I make myself throw up too. I guess that makes me bulimic, doesn't it? I don't know why I started. It makes me feel a little better; it's a kind of release, just like the cutting. Maybe I like the way it's making my bones stick out. It's kind of pretty to me in a twisted way, to be honest.

But it's like if I can't have you, then I don't want anything else, not food, not life.  

I wish I could hate you, but I just can't. I love you too much to even dislike you. 

It's not hard to see why I fell in love with you. You're so beautiful, Boo, inside and out. You're gorgeous, I've never seen anybody more attractive than you. You're just so you. You can make me laugh when I want to cry and you're always there when I need you. You've got me wrapped around your finger. If you walked in here right now and told me to stop, to keep living, I would. I'd try as hard as I could just so you could be happy with me. I have tried, I really have, but I just can't try anymore. 

Louis, I really don't want to hurt you like this. I know you'll be upset and you'll blame yourself. I know that you'll probably drink a lot and refuse to talk to anybody. I know that because I know you, better than I know myself.  

But if there is anything that you need to know, it's that this is absolutely not your fault. You've never intentionally done anything to hurt me and you never knew how bad I was getting. It's not your fault that you didn't know; I hid it as best as I could from you. If anyone is to blame, it's me. I fell in love with you, I let it get this bad, I never acted on it. Maybe back when we were closer than anything, maybe then I should have done something, kissed you, told you how I felt. Maybe then this would be different. 

Every note I have ever sung has been for you, Louis. It's always been you.  

Tell the boys and especially the fans that this isn't their fault either. Make sure Zayn doesn't bottle up his emotions, make sure Niall is cuddled and comforted, and make sure Liam doesn't overwork himself trying to care for everybody. Take care of my mum and Gemma, they'll need somebody and I know that they'll want you; you're like family to them.

Half the time I found myself wondering if they maybe didn't like you better.

That was a joke, Lou. I'm trying to get you to stop crying, because I know you are.

In all seriousness, please, if I'm still alive when somebody finds me, don't let them save me. I don't want to live. Please just let me go. I can't deal with this anymore. If I woke up, I know that I wouldn't be able to take it. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." That's what I'd do, Lou, if I lived, I'd try, try again.

Be happy with Eleanor. You deserve everything in the entire world, and if she can give that to you, then be happy with her. Don't let this ruin your relationship.

God, I'm really tired now.  

I love you so much, Louis. I really do. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. 

I love you, Boobear. Never forget that.  

-Hazza