Rich man's Hell, Poor man's Heaven

ENTRY FOUR

ENTRY FOUR

I struggled around men I found attractive, but usually, the interest was not mutual, whether they were attracted to women exclusively, or I was not the type of man that they were looking for. Seeing my two friends easily attract men bothered my ego. Moreover, seeing people who did very little and still received interest from someone they found appealing filled me with envy. I was always assured that I was handsome and that I would be the first out of my trio to get married, but I was the only one out of the three that couldn't seem to attract a suitor.

There were times when I would act like my friends, just to see if I would have a better success rate in social settings, but this did not help me. I've seen plenty of men who were same-sex attracted do this, and even become the ringleader of the way the friend circle acted in public. I couldn't tune out my rules regarding how much I was willing to do, without intersecting between what would get me closer to my goal and creating a new goal, such as just being wild.

To me, being wild created a record of the person who was doing it, and it made them less trustworthy as a partner. I wasn't the only one who thought this, as this is part of the reason why people have a hard time with the thought of marriage, aside from other things. I figured, if I want a less wild partner, I'd have to also be a less wild person. Being around so many wild peers though, it was easier to ponder if I would die single, if I would have to live the rest of my life feeling out of control and lost. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of the night.

Hoping someone would save me but feeling as if I had already drowned and drifted into the abyss. With that in mind, I figured, I might as well see what the rave was about; why everyone seemed to put so much effort in having sex. I suffered through several attempts to experience the enjoyment my friends seemed to have from the experiences, but the enjoyment was not mutual. I left those experiences feeling emptier than before. I would have to stop being myself to enjoy those hollow participations, and I couldn't allow that, despite how tempting.

After that, I went for a small period looking for a new guy to learn about and soon met one I found very interesting. Although not as interesting as the boy I met in college, this new boy, nonetheless, was unique. He had optimism and determination about himself, someone who enjoyed expressing his thoughts and feelings in creative ways. He seemed to be hopeful and full of charisma, and it gave me hope. We built a flirtatious relationship for a few months until we decided to treat each other as exclusive till we went on our first date.

Given that he lived in a different city, and at the time, I didn't like traveling on my own for long periods of time, I decided to wait to meet him, until he came down here. It seemed as if we wanted the same things, but once again, I believe that I wanted a serious relationship and he wanted to explore his sexuality more. My determination to see if we were compatible enough to accept each other as romantic partners was overwhelming. He understood the responsibility it could require, and so the connection we had started to crumble.

I tried to salvage the relationship the best I could, but he already trusted his doubt more than me. This failure was the hardest one to get over because I was punished for wanting it to be taken seriously. It told me that I was not worth taking seriously; that I was only worth getting to know from a shallow and invulnerable perspective. Leaving this relationship, I didn't stop looking for a relationship that would work, but I did lose a desire to take care of myself. I began to over-fixate on my weight, my style, my desires, my personality, and my existence. I felt all of it needed to change for someone to see me and want me.

I was experimenting with occult practices, playing with manifestations, astral projection, potions, and spell casting, and even got to a point where I thought I could talk to a spiritual guide that would teach me how to get what I wanted. Although I still believed that Jesus was my savior and that he loves me, I began to question what exactly that meant. My friend and I eventually moved to another living agreement, and things seemed to go in our favor. I had a job that seemed promising, she had a job that seemed promising, and there seemed to be hope for a future.

I still lacked success in the relationship area, I began to get increasingly sexually frustrated, and I continued to fluctuate in my emotions and beliefs. Eventually, I reached a point in which I suffered from psychosis. I find it difficult to explain exactly what happened, as some of it is obscure, but basically, I reached a point in my heart in which I was done attempting to achieve my goal. I felt like what was keeping me from getting what I wanted was trying to hold on to the belief that Jesus might bless me with a physical man. I didn't want to let go of my relationship with Jesus, because God showed me, he loved me through Jesus, making God my first love.

Although I felt this way, I knew I had to decide if I would give up my goal to find a man or give up my first love to find a man. I prayed to Jesus one night begging with great anguish. I wanted Him to show me the true path I was meant to take. I felt like the path I was on was leading me nowhere but into more pain. I couldn't understand why I had such poor success in gaining what I wanted. I felt like I held no value and no purpose. I felt so alone and so misunderstood. Somehow, despite that, I trusted that Jesus would show me the path I was supposed to take, by either giving me a physical man or giving me a sign that told me no.

Later that day, I felt full of energy. I had hope and determination that I would be able to survive in this world, but I would have to help fix the world to feel safe. My expectations and estimations were grandiose, and I believed this world would guide me through this belief. I had no idea that I was experiencing the beginning of psychosis. Once I got into the house, after cleaning up outside, I opened my fridge to give my friend's child an ice pop, but suddenly a sensation came over me that terrified me.

It felt like something pulled off my body, like a blanket. I looked around to see what it was, but around me, it felt like I was no longer in my body. I was, but it felt like I left my version of the planet. Around me, the natural light of the world seemed to be much dimmer, and I felt so much fear and anxiety, unlike I ever have before. I recall thinking I could restart time and start over, but that was not a normal thought for me to have. I tried to tell my friend that something was off, but no one seemed to take what I was saying into consideration.

The feeling I was having was so strong, that I thought I was in hell, and all my thoughts were racing and overlapping. I felt like a computer with way too many tabs open; like a virus had been uploaded into my hardware and I was being biologically hacked. I don't know how to explain it, because it was so mysterious and traumatizing, but I did try to escape my house and run away. Everything became symbolic, and I could not see anything realistically. I left my house after a series of experiences. I still have a hard time understanding what happened, but once I got in my car the second time, I went to the freeway and decided I needed to drive to Michigan.

My logic was if I can drive in hell, then I should drive as far north as I can to go somewhere cold. Anyway, I never made it there because I got into an accident. I somehow fell asleep and woke up just in time to hit something and start spinning around. I closed my eyes and screamed, thinking this was it. The car eventually stopped spinning and when I opened my eyes, I saw that I was ok. The car was totaled, and unable to drive. When I got out of the car, I heard an audible voice say "Stop talking so much and listen more". I had no idea what it meant, but I moved on. Eventually, several hours later, police officers found me walking up a highway and stopped me.

Someone called in, concerned that I might get hit by a car, since it was dark outside and raining when the call was made. At this point, the sun was up, and there was no rain, but they took me anyway. I couldn't speak, so I pointed to where I wanted to go, but they had no clue what I was trying to say.