Ripped Pages from A Bookshelf

Invisibility is Lonely

"I feel invisible and so I do what any person would do. I make myself noticeable. Only using the marks on my body. If they won't notice me, maybe they'll notice my pain."

- Anonymous

All I feel is pain. I feel abandoned, I feel like I don't exist anymore. I just feel invisible. But it's not even the good type of invisible. I want the type of invisible where everything is light. Nothing hurts, and I can just float above the clouds and the world would all just be at peace. But you see, I don't get that. I get the type of invisible that makes it feel like people just walk through me, I'm the type of invisible where people don't see me. I'm the type of invisible that people just seem to carry on without even caring about me. I'm tired of feeling alone and like no one understands me. And so what can I do?

Change. I thought it was a good idea and so I was right. One day I went and grabbed a razor from my bathroom, and cut. It hurt. It hurt to see my skin tear and bleed. It was all of a sudden, I wasn't thinking. As soon as I put the cold blade against my skin I knew there wasn't any going back, so I just did it. The blood came out in drips and drabs and splashed onto the bathroom tiles dying them a scarlet red colour but the pain was unbearable. But that's what I'd planned. I didn't want to hurt but if it made me now noticeable then I was willing to do it. And so I did from there on out, but the pain never truly became bearable.

But soon, I found that I was craving this new attention I'd been getting. I wanted it, and I wanted it bad. I loved this new attention from never truly being okay, I loved the attention of always being injured. But my life could not carry on like this, and I think deep down I knew that and I will always know that. As my life went on, I got better. I stopped surrounding myself with people that just saw me as invisible and I moved on. I don't do it anymore, I'm better I promise. I love the people I am around today, they make me feel whole and like I deserve to be seen. I also guess sometimes in life you just have learn to grow up. I am okay now but I will forever have the scars. I guess you could say I am no longer invisible.