Ripped Pages from A Bookshelf

My Own Bravery Causes Me Pain

"Hey mom, I'm struggling. I miss you. I'm trying to be strong for our family, but my bravery is only causing me more pain. I just want you back mom."

- Anonymous

I have so many questions for you. Where did you go mom? What does it mean now you're gone mom? Why did you have to go mom? I loved you so much. My heart beated for you, my whole existence happened because of you. And now I'm just supposed to accept that you're gone? You truly were such a beautiful and unique soul that I will never forget. I can't comprehend that you're gone, I can't physically do it and I won't.

The day you died, a piece of me died too. But I don't think anything could've prepared me for what followed.

You left us. So, that means I have to be strong for our family but I don't think I can physically take it anymore. I am trying to fill the role of being a good big sister and mom without you here but I'm not built for it. This was your job, and all that's left is me picking up the broken pieces and trying to make them fit again. It's not working. My own bravery is starting to trick and cause me pain. I try to be strong for us, but all it does is cause me such immense pain. I feel anger all the time and so much pain. It chases me, grips me, suffocates me, stabs me silently. After a busy day of being chased by my own anxiety, I sit down at night to find it eating away at me. So, I'd do what any human does, find a way to cope. My heart has to pump more blood around my body because I've lost too much from the amount of times my anxiety has been trapped within me and I've had to cut it out. My heart is broken, cheeks stained wet, body dripping with blood and this was all caused by my own bravery.

But mom, I'm not here to just tell you all the bad things about missing you. I'm also here to tell you that I can't wait to find peace. I can't wait for the days when I can look up to the sunset and see you smiling back at me, I can't wait to see some of your traits in my own daughter someday. Mom I will never truly be okay with you leaving, but I do know that you will be by my side during all of the good times. As long as you're okay mom, as long as you're not in pain anymore then I'll be okay no matter. And one day mommy, you'll watch me walk down the aisle from the heavens above and you'll smile down to me. As you do, I'll look down to the seat where you should be sat and I'll see your picture frame with a bouquet of forget-me-nots.

I love you mom, sleep tight.

(Forget-Me-Nots) - "They represent the immortal love for those who go before us."