under your skin | jude bellingham

008

Sleep wasn't coming easy tonight. I'd been tossing and turning for the past two hours, trying my best to drift off but my mind was wide awake. Various thoughts were accelerating around my head, a flurry of anxiety settling in the pit of my stomach as the overthinking begun. Whilst I'd originally been sure that temporarily moving to Germany had been the right decision, my thoughts were now beginning to contradict that. I suddenly felt guilty for leaving behind my friends and family in Birmingham, and scolded myself for being such a coward running away from my feelings.

I groaned and sat up, my eyes adjusting to the dimly lit room. I wanted coffee but knew the caffeine buzz would do nothing to help me sleep. My gaze fell onto the digital clock by my bed telling me that it was two am.

Suddenly I could hear movement; someone shuffling along the landing and down the stairs. Thank god someone else is awake, I thought, pleasantly surprised. I swung my legs off the bed, slipping my feet into my slippers and pulling a hoodie over my head as I headed towards the light coming from downstairs, expecting to see Chloe or Gio. It was only when I rounded the corner into the kitchen that I wished I'd stayed in bed.

It was actually Jude who looked up from the mug of hot chocolate he was currently swirling his spoon around in. "Can't sleep?" He said. I'd forgotten he was staying the night after Gio had offered to give him a lift to training in the morning.

"Nope," I answered.

"Want me to make you a hot chocolate?"

"Alright then."

I watched as Jude busied himself with the task of making me a drink whilst I sat on one of the bar stools. I inhaled a shaky breath, willing myself to calm down.

"Do you think I made a mistake coming here?" I blurted out. Even Jude seemed surprised to hear me ask such a question.

"That depends, why did you come here?" He asked me.

There was a pause as Jude looked towards me, my mouth half open as I contemplated telling the truth. Jude had already seen right through me, figuring out my feelings for Trent when no one else had, but that didn't mean I trusted him or wanted him to know my business.

"I think you already know," I said quietly, ignoring the fact that my brain was just telling me to shut up.

A slight frown appeared on Jude's face. I assumed he was wracking his brain to fill in the missing pieces to my vague answer. And then his eyes softened as he realised what I was getting at. "Because of Trent and Hayley?" He asked gently.

I nodded my head, realising with horror that I was on the verge of tears. Please don't cry in front of Jude of all people, I pleaded to myself. But as the first tears began rolling down my cheeks, I knew it was already too late. Jude grabbed the drink he'd made and slid into the chair beside me, angling his body towards me. He seemed willing to listen.

"I mean, that's not the only reason," I stammered, fighting to keep my voice steady and hold back the tears. "I was just so tired of the same routine, day in and day out. I needed a change, something different. And then when Trent got with Hayley... I guess that was the final straw."

"So you made this decision for yourself?" Jude prompted. I nodded again. "That's not a crime, Hannah."

"Yeah, but I just feel like such an awful human being. Hayley's my sister and I can't even be happy for her."

"You can't help the way you feel. You've got to stop feeling guilty for things you can't control, and for putting yourself first for once."

I looked up at Jude, unsure what to think of the genuine concern on his face. I'd assumed he didn't care about me, but perhaps I'd been wrong.