Thoughts in the Night

Reminiscing on an Old Love

This swirl of emotions is insane, I can't seem to keep up with it. The feeling is overwhelming, I feel the pain and agony, no matter how much I try to dismiss this feeling it always fails. Everything is kicked into overdrive, I am trying so hard to not overthink right now but this is out of the blue. I thought it would take longer but here you are surprising me once more, my heart beats faster all the while my stomach churns with anxiety. Each message I get only heightens these feelings, I am excited for what's to come but at the same time nervous. I don't want any drama to start because of this, yet I don't really care, the fact that I have always backed down. I've always put others in front of me, and this time it's over as much as I love them I need to do what's right for me. I deserve good things, for once being selfish doesn't feel bad to me. Being selfless for too long can make you forget who you truly are, it will dim the light bringing forth a darkness never seen before. Somehow your light was able to find me in that abyss of darkness, it spoke kind and gentle words to my soul. As if being lit once more, my soul went through a nirvana that brought me recognition and power. Power that I had no clue existed in me, I will forever be grateful for that night, although the truth will never be revealed. As time goes on I think about this, how everything escalated so quickly, and why now. That always seems to be the question that I can't answer, no matter how I think about it. You are able to see through my mask and that scares me because here I thought that it was perfect. So many times I have looked people in the eye all while smiling and nobody was able to tell that I was dying/crying on the inside. The walls I created were to protect myself from any harm that love might cause, they became my reassurance that everything is going to be ok. Yet, at the same time my soul was yearning for you to come back, the whispers eventually went dormant. I thought that was the end, that we were simply something that never got to get happily ever after but I was ever so wrong.