The Trick to Falling in Style

Alone

She's left him. She took everything from him- his family, his life, his childhood. She took it all like a thief in the night. She took it all with him staring right at her. He can see her smile every time he closes his eyes, and he feels her eyes on him no matter where he goes. Her hands claw at his ears until he can't hear anything but her. She's gone, but he can still feel her all around him. She is still controlling his life. The thought that someone is there should be comforting, but he still feels so Primedamn alone.

And he is. He broke every relationship he's ever had. He's hurt every person he's ever cared about, and everyone who once cared about him has rightfully deserted him. He's alone and he deserves it and he knows that. So why does his heart hurt? Why does he feel like he's drowning in loneliness like an unprepared adventurer drowns in quicksand? Why does he feel like the entire world is weighing down on him when he's technically gotten rid of all his responsibilities?

She's left him, and so has everyone else. He made them leave. He didn't stop pressing buttons and pushing people too far until they actually snapped and did what he wanted them to do.

She's left him because she knows that she's won. He won't be going back to the heroes. He won't be returning as Vermillion. He won't have anyone but her. He won't have anyone but her organization.

She's left him, but he has a job. He closes his eyes, and instead of her smirk, he sees Sam's patient smile. When he whirls around, instead of her standing behind him, he sees Mamacita waving at him before she continues with her job. Instead of her nails digging into his skin, he feels MD throw an arm around his shoulders. Instead of hearing her voice, he catches the brief whispers that fall from Nook's normally silent lips. He has people now. All he has to do is hold on to them. He can't abandon them. He can't go through that again. He's tired of being alone.

"Vermillion? Are you awake now?" Vermillion opens his eyes. Someone is staring down at him. Sam is looking down at him. He's smiling softly, a hand going through Vermillion's hair. He tilts his head to the side, and he asks, "How did you sleep?"

"Fuck," Vermillion whispers, running a hand over his face. He readjusts his mask as he sits up. His sleep wasn't that awful. He takes what he can get, after all. But his dream was weird. It wasn't that straightforward. It wasn't a succession of memories, more like general thoughts and feelings from his past. They solidify in his mind slowly, and he resists the urge to laugh. He had promised himself that he wouldn't abandon the new people in his civilian life. He wouldn't let them leave him, either. He broke yet another promise. He should stop making promises. He is shit at keeping them.

"Maybe some food will make you feel better," Mamacita calls out. She's standing over a pot on the portable stove. The cupboards creak as she opens one. She doesn't hesitate to pile something yellow on the plate. As she comes closer, Vermillion realizes that she's made him mac and cheese. She sets the plate down on the coffee table, right beside Sam who has decided that the table made a better seat than an actual chair. Mamacita rushes back to the kitchenette area, and Vermillion watches as she gets him a water bottle from the mini-fridge. When Mamacita returns, she stands patiently at the edge of the coffee table.

Vermillion closes his eyes. He's had rest, but some part of him is still overwhelmingly tired. He wants to go back to his apartment. He wants to go back to taking naps in Banshee's room as he plays the guitar or crashing in Beau's dorm after a long but fulfilling mission. He can't have either of those things back. He doesn't know where Beau is, and he's already abandoned Siren so many times. He's been responsible for Siren almost losing his life twice already.

And MD is missing. Mamacita told him the day (?) prior that Clara had taken MD in order to bait Vermillion out. Vermillion had to go after MD as soon as possible. He doesn't think that Clara will kill MD, but she would treat him with any level of respect. MD was merely a hostage to her, a bargaining chip at best. To add insult to injury, he was a human. Clara despised humans, and that was evidently clear by the way she was running Apex. Vermillion might be able to save MD's life, but if he didn't go now, he isn't sure he'll be able to fully save MD. When a mind breaks, some shards are left behind.