Shutter

Damn You

Lisa's POV

When Rosie and I were little, she pushed me off the top of our bunk bed and I ended up in the hospital with a broken arm. Those milliseconds before I hit the floor, the helplessness of falling and having no choice but to submit to the laws of gravity was one of the most dreadful moments of my life. That feeling is similar with what I'm feeling right now. I feel like falling. Falling into a void of heartaches and loneliness. 

I walked home, it took me almost an hour, but it helped me clear my brain, but just barely.I arrived back in my flat, my feet numb and I have a pounding headache. I feel like throwing up. I drag my feet up the steps, dropped my keys twice on the floor before I get it into the keyhole. 

I closed the door and rested my back on it, closing my eyes after. 

Why does she have to do this? 

I was so angry and mad at her one hour ago but now the loneliness is overtaking it. I feel so fucking alone. I went to my bedroom and sits at the edge of the bed and I stare out at the photos of Jennie on the wall. Just a week ago, I took the other girls' pictures off and replaced them with her. Even how much I hate her right now I won't ever deny she's the most beautiful person I've ever seen. 

"Damn you," I whispered. For causing these conflicting emotions. 

I looked away when it got too much and lie on my bed with my back on that wall full of Jennie. It didn't help because lying on the other side was her used shirt, casually lying on the space beside me. I think about throwing it to the laundry but the other idea took over and I reached for it. I hold it up in front of me; it's ruffled and has a little coffee stain on the front. I bring it closer and smell it, Jennie's scent invading my senses. 

"Damn you for doing this to me." 

I won't see her for four days but one god damn hour and I'm already miserable. I let go then, and I cried on the shirt. Cried until I couldn't cry any more, cried until it gets hard to breathe. By the time I was done, my throat is dry from sobbing, my eyes are sore, and I'm just too fucking tired to do anything so I shut my eyes and went to sleep. 

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 I must have slept for hours because when I wake up, the room's dark with the only light coming from the lamp post outside my window. I squinted to adjust my eyes into the darkness before I sat up slowly and rubbed on my cheek.

"Ah, fuck..." I groaned when I realized my headache is worse. I reach for the bottle of Tylenol on my bedside drawer and went over to the kitchen for water, opening the lights as I go. 

After I took the medicine, I propped myself on one of the stools and stare at the glass of water between my hands. 

Is Jennie giving up on us? Why does she have to go away? Was this one of those moments where one person's too chicken to break up with the other that they do something so the other would break up with them instead? 

I tried not to think about it and told myself we'll be alright once she gets back. But there are nagging questions at the back of my head: what if she takes the job? Will she break up with me? If not, can we handle a long- distance relationship? 

"Stop, stop, just fucking... stop." I don't want to think about that right now. It's too fucking much. 

I hear a faint sound somewhere and I went still for a few seconds to determine what it was. I realized someone's knocking on the door. I look at the clock and it's past 11. Who would be coming over at this time? I considered ignoring it and maybe that person's going to leave eventually when they get tired knocking. Besides I don't feel like talking to anyone right now, I'm just a fucking mess.