𝐁𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬 𝟐

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟏

-𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐄𝐒-

I was sitting on the couch working on my laptop. I had a part time job to keep myself a little busy and so I could be at home with the boys more. They were 16 by now and they were more then a hand full. I looked up and saw Maverick walking to the front door with a huge bag.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm staying over at Jay's house."

"Absolutely not Mave. We promised that both of you would be home tomorrow!"

"Why?"

"Why?! Because it's been 7 years since your mother died?!"

"I was 9 dad! I don't remember that much of her! Move on already dad!"

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

"WHY?! CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH?!"

"MAVERICK! DON'T GET ME REPEATING THAT! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"

"I WISH YOU WERE DEAD INSTEAD OF MOM!"

"BEDROOM! NOW!"

He groaned and ran to his room. How could he just say that like that? Wishing I was dead instead of her... maybe he was right. It would have been better if I was dead instead of her. She definitely would have handled it better if the boys were arguing with her again. I sighed in frustration as Meeko looked at me from the living room area. He shook his head disapprovingly before turning his head away.

"Damnit Meeko! Just say it!"

"What?"

"I know I'm not the best father alright! I'm just... trying okay. Your mom always knew what to do with you guys. I just followed her doings..."

"We know that you're trying... it's just different from other families without a mom... we miss her too but we let it go. We try not to remember it 24/7 dad. You should try it too."

"I know... easier said then done."

"Just keep trying... it has to get better."

"But why do you two keep saying that the girls I do bring home are not aloud to stay?"

"Because you don't look at them the way you looked at mom. Even from the pictures it's clear."

"I'll never be able to look at any woman the way I looked at her... you do understand that right?"

"We know but you... don't look comfortable with them. Everybody could see that dad."

"You're right... tell me why I have a philosopher in the house."

"Because I'm always right. Just like mom was."

I looked into his eyes. The eyes that were hers. They were a copy of them. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. They were copies of me but her eyes were left in them. They remained living in them. Meeko turned his head and watched his tv program further while I returned my attention to work. After a while I walked to Maverick's bedroom and knocked on the door.

"Yeah?"

I opened the door and saw he had cleaned up his bag and was sat on the bed.

"I'm sorry I got mad at you."

"I'm sorry I said I wanted you dead instead of mom... I just want her back."

"I know you do... we all do."

I sat down next to him on his bed and we both sighed softly. After a few seconds I felt him snuggling up against me. Something he hadn't done in forever. I took him and we just silently sat there probably both thinking about CJ. I swallowed as I tried to hold in my tears as I felt his tears roll onto my shirt. The day before and the day itself were the hardest days remembering her. It's been too long... seeing her gorgeous face, hearing her laugh and voice... I miss all of her. I would do anything to let us all have 1 more hour with her. We need it.

"It's okay Mave... you can let it out..."

My voice was a soft whisper as my voice broke half way my sentence because I was crying myself as well. His silent and soft sobs became heavier and louder by the second and it brought me some more pain knowing Mave found it this hard to think about his mother after all these years. I know we all found it hard. I thought back to my father... how hard I had it losing him when I was barley an adult. It still hurts after all these years. Imagine being 16 and the fact that you lost your mom 7 years ago when you were 9 years old. They barely remember her but enough to know them. I always showed them her stuff and pictures of her. To help them know her. Sometimes they still ask about her and I'll tell them everything they want to know. Just so they will keep connected with her. I just want them to know their mother the way I knew her. The way my eyes searched her in a room full of people and how that would only take seconds because my eyes were magnetic for her body. My life revolves around her... it still does a little. Now it revolves around our children. Our sons. I sighed softly once again. How could I ever be happy again without her. I wanted to grow old with her. Spend the rest of my life with her... at least I got to spend her whole life with her for as long as we knew each other... that counts too right?

I laid in bed... today was a hard day. It's been exactly 7 years since we said goodbye to her. Max, the boys and I went to her grave together. We laid down flowers and cleaned her military grave up. She might be a Dutch army soldier but we buried her on the graveyard in Monaco. Max and I lived there and she lived there most of the time she didn't have to be in the Netherlands. She loves it here... that's what she always said. I saw Mave looking at my hand. I looked down. My wedding band was still on my finger. I would never take it off. Not even if I got remarried or anything like that. She belongs to me...

(1026 words)