Guilt.

Episodes.

|| AUTHOR NOTE : THIS CHAPTER AND CHAPTER 4 IS GOING TO BE VERY TRIGGERING, CONTAINING MENTIONS OF.. SELF HARM, EATING DISORDERS, ALCOHOLISM, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, SUICIDE, DISTURBING DESCRIPTION. IF ANY OF THESE AFFECT YOU PLEASE DO NOT READ. I HAVE WARNED YOU, TRIGGER WARNING! This episode will be longer then my usual episodes, my normal episodes have 800ish words, this one with have around 2000. ||

I woke up after yesterday, i felt so shitty. Guilt felt like it was burning into my brain, as if someone took a knife to my head carving the word into my skull. I got up and started sobbing. Just like yesterday, I didnt know why. I felt so fucking pathetic in this moment. I felt angry, upset, empty. 

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!  IM SO USELESS, PATHETIC AND UGLY. GOD. WHY AM I EVEN HERE. I just snapped inside of my head. I let out the angriest cry I think I ever have. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I fucking snapped. I punched the mirror out of pure anger.

* SMASH, GLASS CLATTERS. *

Lilith bursts in, SHIT. No no no, what am I gonna tell her? 

" HEY, NICOLE ARE YOU OKAY?! "

I look up at her. My knuckles are bruised and bloody, eyes flooded with tears. She ran at me. I flinched afraid she was angry, like my mother, but I think I inherited that gene.

" Oh, Lil, Im just so tired, I dont even know whats wrong with me. " I chuckled, manically.

She came and sat on the bed, signalling for me to sit next to her. I sat.

" Hey, its all gonna be okay. " Lilith replied.

I looked at her with tears rolling down my cheeks, barely visible because of how dark my room was. What time was it even? I sobbed into my sisters arms, i got blood everywhere which made me even sadder.

" Lil, does something feel off to you? " I say curiously, wiping away my tears now feeling a horribly off-feeling.

" Now you say that, yeah. What time is it? " Lilith asked.

I look at my phone.

" 4:39 AM. " I reply.

" Are your knuckles okay? " Lilith added.

" They will be fine, could you help me bandage them? " I clenched my fists, wincing.

" Ofcourse. " 

We walked downstairs and was hit with an obscure smell of weed. Me and Lilith stared at each-other hoping it wasnt what we thought it was. We continued to walk down the final steps and there it was. Our deadbeat mother, passed out, on the couch. 

" What the actual FUCK?! " I screamed, my anger returning. 

I walked over to our so called mother, I slapped her awake.

" WHAAAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR YOU LITTLE SLUT?! " Our mother screamed at me. 

As you can tell she was never around.

" YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST STRUT IN HERE AT WHENEVER THE FUCK-O-CLOCK AND ACT LIKE YOU HAVENT BEEN GONE FOR FUCKING WEEKS?! " I remarked getting really angry now, furious.

My mother got up. She punched my nose.

" OH YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU DONT GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. " She said.

Lilith didnt even stop me because she was also angry at her.

" OH LOOK AT ME IM LISA ROBERTS, A FUCKING DEADBEAT TO HER KIDS WHO JUST WANTED A NORMAL CHILDHOOD BECAUSE I GET HIGH AND SHOOT UP SOME H ON A DAILY?! MLEH BLAH BLEH. " I mocked her.