Dead Before Dark

Broken promises

BAM! "Shit." I muttered as I dropped my phone. I usually don't get mad when I drop my phone. I actually couldn't care less about my phone but today was different. I felt different. I made a vow:

" Today I will not be depressed, today I will eat like a normal person. I will hang out with my friends laugh, joke, and have fun."

I promised all this to myself in my mirror this morning. I vowed and I planned on keeping it. Until I walked into my mom's bedroom, hoping she would take me to school, as she promised. But I guess thats what promises are for, something you can break over time.

I walked into my mother's room. My mom's room always smelled like cheap perfume and fresh sheets. Makeup in her room was always scattered all over the vanity and the vanity chair. I walked into her room to find my one year sober mother passed out drunk on the couch. After that I was pissed. But I wasn't pissed because I wouldn't be able to be driven to school. I was furious because my mother was doing so well with being sober.

You know how teachers and family say what happens at home impacts the way you act at school. Well, thats one-hundred percent true. I woke up ready to fulfill my goals, then I wanted nothing to do with my goals. It was that easy to loose my hope. My whole thoughts during this were :

"Wow thanks life for taking the little bit of hope I had left!"

Well, that's my mother for you. I make promises to myself all the time! Then something she does happens and back to square one with depression. It's like this constant battle inside my head, I just want it to go away.

Everyone told me "Be Happy". So I've tried, fake smiles, happy lies. All that jazz, but it's so hard to just be happy. Especially when you feel alone, there can be a million people in the room and I can still feel alone.

Any who, mine as well go to school and put my headphones in to shut the world out.