Dead Before Dark

High on hopes

I wonder how kids can get up and go to school and actually like it. I mean yeah, when we were kids we loved school. We got to color, play games, and we didn't have to worry about drama. When you're in high school you have groups and drama.

What's a school without the popular people who bully other kids and ruin your life, even when you think its not possible. They make it possible. People become fake in school. If people like something and its weird they change it to "fit" in because they don't want to be an outcast like my friends and I.

My friends and I don't "fit" in. We hate school, drama, and well life. What happened to me is the same thing my friend Marissa is going through. Except her mother isn't drinking Marissa is.

Marissa is a good friend minus all the drinking and drugs. I have two main friends Marissa, and Spencer. My favorite out of all of them is Spencer she's a very trusting and loyal friend. Plus I've known her longer then anyone else. School would be fun, hanging out with friends. Only if I wasn't depressed and sad all the time.

" Hey," said Spencer.
"Hey."
"How's it been?"
"Do I really have to answer that?" I replied.

But truly I shouldn't have to answer that. I'm not wearing any makeup, and my hair looks horrible. I look like crap. Of course Spencer doesn't. Spencer always looks good. Her eyeliner was in a perfect wing around her emerald green eyes. Her blonde hair straightened in the back and curly in the front.

"Whats wrong?"
"My mom," I said sadly say.
"Whats wrong with Mrs.Mommy?"
"Shes drinking again," I say as a tear rolls down my face.
"But she was doing so well."
"I know," I replied.
"You know what, lets skip. Lets go to my house."
"Ok."

I'm usually good and not bad. But I'm sick and tired of always picking up after my mother . I deserve to be a teenager and live a little!

. . .

As we made our way up the stairs of her house I couldn't help but think about my mother. Picturing her on the couch passed out. I can tell you right now the image of my mother will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Spencer and I walked to her bedroom. Her mom and dad are never home so its an easy way to sneak drugs in but Spencer never needs to sneak them. Her parents never really even pay attention to her. She always has weed to smoke or something. Every time you ask her about were she got the drugs. She would always reply with " If I tell you, I'd have to kill you. " She always loves adding mystery to everything.

If you ever needed somewhere to go either you're sneaking out of school and need some place to stay , or you're having problems. Spencer's house is always the place to go. All three of my friends ( including me ) all go to Spencer's house. Spencer always smokes weed and if you don't smoke she always says " You're not truly friends with someone endless you at least smoke weed with them once ." Then, well you smoke. Spencer is a very manipulating person but once you get to know her shes a wonderful girl. Plus people who do drugs never share, Spencer shares.

I opened the door to her room. She still had the same paint on her walls that she had in sixth grade. Nice light blue mixed with lavender purple and gold sparkles. She has one wide window near her bed. The wide window has a nice,small, and comfortable couch under it ( I usually read there. ) She has a walk in closet filled with unorganized clothes and shoes. Although that's the way her room used to look for some reason it doesn't appear the same. Spencer has pillows and piles of laundry everywhere. Most of the laundry is scattered on her bed it looks although she hasn't slept in it for weeks. You can definitely tell she hasn't been in the cleaning mood.

As I examine her room I could see in my peripheral vision her pulling out a bag of weed and then she pulls up her bed and to my surprise I see a bong. That explains why she hasn't been sleeping in her bed for a while. I start walking and before I get ready to put my foot down Spencer says something.

"I wouldn't step on the pillows if I were you. They're razors in the pillow."

I knew there was a reason on why she didn't clean her room or why she didn't have a maid clean it.

Spencer always lies, the only people she tells the truth to are Marissa , and I. The only way to actually get the truth from her is to buy her a bag of weed and have her smoke it and either call her or be in front of her while she smokes it. Trust me if you ask her questions she will answer them truthfully and not lie at all.

Everyone knows that when you get high its not a truth serum people don't just tell you the truth or come clean about something. With Spencer its different she has always told the truth ever since she first started smoking. When she tells you the truth be warned, the truth hurts especially when its not covered with lies.

"I've started cutting again. Self harming whatever kids say these days."

"Yeah I kinda figured with the whole razors in the pillow case thing," I said smiling even though I was disappointed.

As I was saying this she held out her arm and showed me her scars. I've seen cuts before from kitchen knives or from someone falling of a bike. The scars looked nothing like falling from a bike or accidentally getting cut by a knife.

It looked like cuts from a girl named Spencer. It looked swollen and it also looked like it hurt. Not to mention there was still dried blood on the cuts. The cuts were as straight as a ruler.

It would be a masterpiece to other people who self harm. Spencer had words and stuff that looks like small pictures on her arm. To someone else her cuts would look like she has mental problems and issues. Strangers would give her psychiatrist cards, therapy cards and mental hospital numbers while saying " we care about you." Which is funny because they have on clue who she is.

She could steal little kids and keep them locked up in the attic, for god's sake. But then again Spencer would never kidnap little children and hide them in her attic. She doesn't even have an attic!

"Have you ever hoped for something? Not want it but hoped for it," said Spencer.
"Like what hope to get money or something?"
"Yeah kinda, except I hope for something more."
"Like what?" I asked curiously.

"If I ever had kids and they ask me questions about my past how will I be able to explain that everything they tell you not to do in school I did? That I was reckless and self harmed,got high, and hurt the people I love. You see it would be hard to explain and I also wouldn't want to lie to my kids either if I ever have any," said Spencer truthfully.

" Something tells me that's not the reason what you want to stop,is it?"
" I tried to tell him that you would know I was lying but he just said I don't think she would. I guess he was wrong."

Oh "he" I know who this is she never says his real name which is weird speaking that he's her boyfriend. His names Jake and she doesn't want to stop self harming or doing drugs shes just telling me that because I don't like Jake. She probably thinks Well if I tell her I want to stop my bad behavior because of Jake maybe she will start to like him and not care if we run away. When truthfully I would. I highly doubt they will ever run away together but the last time I ever hung out with her and him he kept asking her to. She would always say not today or maybe when I'm older. Would she ever do it? I have no clue if she would or wouldn't but I hope for my sake she won't.

She meant Jake in fifth grade and started dating him in sixth grade ( were in tenth grade now. ) So they've been together for a while. I started not to like him in seventh grade. He was changing her and not in a good way. She started skipping school with him and as soon as she found out that he self harmed she started self harming. After that I started noticing mood changes and rude behavior and that rude behavior was because she was doing drugs and didn't want to get me involved. Which is funny stating that now all I see is her and drugs.

So she doesn't want to stop doing drugs she just hopes I will forgive him for all that he has made her today. As I started thinking about everything I forgot to reply with the lost for words I say:

"Why do you even care if I like him? Actually don't answer that i'm never being friends with him! Ever!"
"I know I don't know why I said it I guess I'm just so sorry you have no idea how sorry I am," she said while slurring her words.

She kept talking which didn't matter I wasn't even paying attention to anything she said. She said something at the end that I liked and thought was weird.

She said " I guess I was just high, high on hopes."