The restart

2

When I realized that you were still in my mind that everything is for you, whether or not I was willing to break down the door and walk into your life anyway, it scared the shit out of me. How could such a stupid person mess up your life? In a way that you can't put it in place? and still come out as the most badass person in the world? my reaction shocked me for many reasons instead of allowing myself to go through all the stages i allowing myself to pretend that everything was normal that i could indeed be your friend that i would have no feelings but friendship for you, for a while i was even believing it, although I was managing to pretend even to myself that it was being easy. I swallowed the tears several times so no one would notice that little by little my mask of pretense was falling off, I avoided touching your name in many ways, I ignored you but something made me have to see you and hear your voice or even a message from you , when I realized that I would no longer know how to pretend that my love for you never passed and that I had to give myself time to heal, everything went back to that little corner of the bathroom where I should never have left, where to allow myself to cry like a baby lost aimlessly there I saw that I still depended on you even without your touches and your stupid "I love you" that was never more than a stupid word and a stupid and mediocre feeling that made me have five hundred stupid butterflies in my stomach that made me plan stupid plans with both of us made me think that you were my unhappy ending, although I still think that this is really my fresh start, I already considered a thousand alternatives to not have my fresh start and be the most motherfucking person in the world, I was told that when you really love you can't stop loving but i wanted to tell you that i hate you in all my ways you made me feel like the most desired woman in the world at the same time that you made me feel like the most rejected woman in the world in fact i never will being able to say that i hate you because you taught me to love even the smallest details of life at the same time that you made me hate the smallest details of life rebuilding myself is not being easy because out of every two bricks i fix ten break and show me how weak And I'm stupid, I confess that if they had shown me how I would be if I were to love and meet you, I would prefer a thousand times never to have seen you, not because you are not a nice person to be friends with, but because I would have saved myself from suffering for something I never had. a value I loved every detail of you and every detail of mine with you, I loved the sparkle in my eyes that you brought more than you took it the same way you brought it.