Broken Bridges

Chapter 19

                            October 11th, 2020
                                       Harper
Sometimes, life gets so dark you need someone else to hold the flashlight. Sometimes you are so far down in the rocks, you need someone to grab your hand and pull you up before you hit rock bottom. I've forgotten how it felt before I became mentally drained. There's such a difference. I need someone to bring me out of this hell and bring me back to life. I can't do it myself. I'm too exhausted to do it myself. I'm so tired of having to go through everything alone.
                                       ***
Maliyah and I walk out of the school and onto the football field. We are skipping our lunch hour to go enjoy the cool, fall weather. It's mid October and the leaves are starting to change to stunning autumn colors, bright green to crisp yellow, orange and red shades of perfection. The air is cooler compared to days in spring, averaging at about sixty three degrees. A light breeze flew across the sky, rustling the fallen leaves across the field. Autumn is my second favorite season other than summer. The colors are beautiful and calming, and the wind blowing through my hair makes me smile. Autumn is also the perfect season for fashionable but cozy outfits. Outfits that cause you to want to grab a mug of hot chocolate and snuggle up with a blanket while watching movies. Today, I'm wearing brown leggings, a plain white sweater with a brown vest on top to match the leggings. I'm wearing my white air forces, and a gold necklace with my name on it. My day three dirty hair is tied up into a high ponytail and fanned out with volume, causing my naturally wavy, brown hair  to fall perfectly above my shoulders. Maliyah wore holey and baggy jeans, a plain white t-shirt tucked into her waistband, topped with a red and black, checkered flannel. She wore a pair of brown Nike Air Jordans, which I'm sure Lilliana has a pair of.

" Are those Lily's shoes?" I question, placing my bag on the field and laying down on my stomach next to it. She lays across from me.
" She let me borrow them." She says.
" Since when are you two so close?" I ask. Maliyah and Lilliana have known each other ever since Maliyah and I met in fifth grade. They've been mutual acquaintances, and hung out together when they were both with me, but they've never really been close.
" We've been talking more since our mall trip. I went to her house yesterday." She says it as if she was hiding it from me and she was nervous to have the information revealed.
" Well that's cool! It's nice that my two best friends are closer." I smile.
The two of us lay on the football field, talking, until our lunch period is over and we have to go back to class. We walk to the music suite and sit down for choir.
" Solo auditions are today for "homecoming queen" today!" Ms. Merda, the choir director announces. Maliyah shoots me an excited glare. Apart from her talent of lacrosse, Maliyah has been gifted with the voice of an angel. For our fall concert, we are performing " homecoming queen" by Kelsea Ballerini to spread the message of mental health during the homecoming season. 
"If you'd like to audition for the first solo lineup here, second solo here, and third solo here. If you want to audition for all three and don't care which one you get, line up here." Ms. Merda directs. I like to sing and I think I'm decently okay at it, but never in a million years would I do a solo. To no one's surprise, Maliyah stands in the " I dont care" line. One by one the students audition, and Maliyah gets closer to the piano. When it's her turn, the room goes silent. I'm not the only one who thinks she has the voice of an angel.
" Solo one. Begin when you're ready." Ms. Merda says as she begins to play the opening chords on the piano.
" Hey homecoming queen, why do you lie? When somebody's mean, where do you hide? Do people assume you're always alright? You've been so good at smiling most of your life." She sings beautifully, looking directly at me the whole time. I deeply relate to the words she sang, apart from being the homecoming queen, which I'd never be.
"Good emotion Maliyah. Now solo two." Ms. Merda compliments her, turning the page of her sheet music in front of her.
" Hey homecoming queen, how's things at home? Still walking on eggshells when that curtain's closed? Did your daddy teach you how to act tough? Or more like your momma, sweep it under the rug? " She sings.
" Beautiful tone Maliyah. Solo three and then you're all done, sweetie." Ms. Merda smiles at her. Ms. Merda has always loved Maliyah.
" Hey homecoming queen, why do you lie? When somebody's mean, where do you hide?" Her voice fades into silence until the choir roars in applause.
" I think we found our ending soloist." Ms. Merda says. The whole class cheers in agreement. She returns to her seat next to me and we begin rehearsing the whole song together as a choir.
Why do you lie? When somebody's mean, where do you hide? I don't know. I don't have anywhere to hide.
                                       ***
Lilliana and I meet up and walk to spanish together. Because she is a senior, electives are the only classes we could possibly have together. Ms. Garcia greets us as we walk through the door and take our seats in the back of the room.
"¡Buenos días clase!" She greets us cheerfully. " Cómo estás hoy?"
I raise my hand to answer. " Estoy cansada y tengo mucha hambre."
"¿Qué quieres comer?" She questions.
" Yo quiero comer tacos." I respond.
" Excellente Harper!" She exclaims. " Hoy en clase, nosotros vamos a empezar nuestros proyectos de la ciudad. Muchas personas en la clase..." The overhead intercom interupts her instructions.
" Good afternoon students of Gateway High School! Our student council would like to announce the student picked nominees for homecoming royalty!" A lady from the main office announces across the school. "Grade nine female nominees are Jaleiya Williams, Layla Monso, and Aleesha Banks. Grade nine male nominees are Brody Samuelson, Christopher Line, and Ryan Nibb. Grade ten female nominees are Katherine Galligo, Maliyah Gates, and Harper Fields. Grade ten nominees are..."
I tune out the rest of the announcement. My spanish class erupts in cheers as they praise Maliyah and I.
" Harper! We are nominated for homecoming queen!" She screams in excitement. She embraces me in a hug, as I look over her shoulder and at a wall in a complete trance. The next few minutes are a blur. I don't remember anything else until Maliyah taps me on the shoulder, snapping me out of my daydream. The lady from the office was still speaking on the intercom.
" Nominees must report to the fine arts center on Monday, October 16th at six o'clock. Coronation begins at seven and this years royalty will be announced at seven thirty. If you are not interested in this position, please reach out to any member of the student council or Ms. Ramirez in room B104. Congratulations to all the nominees. Thank you and have a great rest of your day!"
" Congratulations Maliyah and Harper!" Ms. Garcia says in english. " Clase, let's give them a round of applause for their nominations. Uno! Dos! Uno Dos!" She cheers as the class claps on command.
When class ends, Maliyah and I part ways to go to our last class of the day. As I walk towards my creative writing class, A boy laughs as I pass him.
" Oh look, it's princess Fiona. Where is Shrek? Don't wanna be late for the coronation, do you?" He laughs. My heart drops in my chest, but I walk away, trying my best to avoid eye contact as I finish passing him. As I sit in my creative writing class my anxiety kicks in, causing my leg to bounce up and down and sweat to drip down my forehead. A group of boys in the corner of the room look over at me and laugh. They try to talk quietly so I can't hear them, but I do.
" The guys have to walk down to the stage with a girl on their arm. I hope you don't get paired with her, Jackson. If she trips down the stairs and falls on you, you're dead. She'll flatten you like a pancake." She says to Jackson, a male nominee from grade ten. I try my best to ignore them but it's hard. Homecoming royalty is supposed to be a fun opportunity, but instead it's become something that I'm being bullied and harassed for being a part of. I hold back my tears throughout the rest of sixth hour and I make my way to meet Lilliana in her car in the student parking lot. Three girls stop me before I can leave the building.
" I hope you know your nomination was a joke, right?" The tallest one says in a bitchy tone.
" You don't deserve to be the homecoming queen. Addison has been trying to make the nomination ballot for the past three years. She is so much prettier than you. You don't deserve to win." She repeats.
I walk out the door, pretending to be unphased. Lilliana greets me with a joyful expression. Her blonde hair and yellow crop top makes her look like a ray of sunshine.
" Congratulations on your nomination! I can't believe all three of us got nominated this year." She expresses her excitement as she slams her car door shut. I look at her with confusion. I zoned out after my name was announced. I guess I didn't hear the senior nominations. I wasn't surprised though. Lilliana was very popular in her grade for being the captain of the volleyball team and so was her boyfriend Lucas, for being the varsity football captain. Lilliana lived the clique high school movie life. Winning senior homecoming queen would just be icing on the cake of her ultimately perfect high school experience. 
" Yeah." That's all I could say to her. The comments that were made to me today still lingered in my head.
" Are you okay?" She asks me, pulling out of her parking space and putting the car in drive.
" Yeah, I'm just tired." I reply, laying my head against the car window and closing my eyes.
Look, it's Princess Fiona.  She'll crush you like a pancake. Your nomination was a joke. Addison is much prettier than you. You don't deserve to win.
When Lilliana drops me off, I don't even say goodbye. I rush into the house and I rush into the bathroom into my usual breakdown place.
Don't do Harper. Dont cut yourself. Find a distraction. Promise you won't cut yourself.
" I promise."  I say out loud to myself.
I grab my phone out of my vest pocket and I call Jeremiyah. The sight of his beautiful green eyes breaks me into tears. He has on his gaming headset meaning he's probably playing video games with friends.
" What's wrong, Harper?" He asks, not looking up from the tv screen in front of him.  He continues to play as he waits for my response.
" I'm not doing so well right now. I really need you, Jere." I cry.
" Harper, I'm on the game right now. I don't want to come over." He says, not making eye contact with me once.
"Oh that's okay." I sniffle. " I'll see you tomorrow. I love you."
I hang up the phone and stare at the wall. I get on my knees and slowly crawl to the bathtub, grabbing the blade I've used multiple times before. I roll up the sleeve of my sweater and I cut, whimpering as the blade slices my skin, crying because I broke my promise.