Death or Paradise: Behind the Scenes

so good at seeming like i'm not on the edge of a knife

New York - 2015

"Hey Peggy, look who I brought to see you today," Steve said to your old friend. He had asked you to come with him to see her in her nursing home. He told you she asked about you a lot. She had good days and bad days. Some days, she remembered Steve coming out of the ice. Some days, he said it was like she was seeing him for the first time all over again. Today seemed to be a good day.

"Y/N!" Peggy Carter smiled at you. "It's been so long!"

"Hey, Peggy," you smiled at her. Steve gestured at you to take the seat next to her and so you did. "I've missed you."

You hadn't seen her in a long time. It had been too difficult for you. She had been there for you in a time where you had no one. Steve was dead, or so you thought. And the other Eternals had betrayed you. You were utterly alone, floating in the darkness. Peggy hadn't known why she was comforting you. She didn't know the darkness that laid new in your heart, but she never pried. She never pushed. She was just there. You helped her and Howard a few times as they got the SSR off the ground, long before it was SHIELD. But one day, it just became too much. The secrets in you were eating at you. And so you ran. You never looked back in fear.

"I've missed you too," she said. "I know you aren't quite human, Y/N, but it's marvelous. You haven't aged a day. Me, I've gotten old."

"You're still beautiful, Peg," you took her hand, smiling at your old friend. "The most beautiful one here, I reckon."

"Oh hush now," she smiled. "You're sweet but I'm old as dirt these days."

"I'm older than you," you said. You didn't tell her you were 7015 years old. Your life had begun went you stepped foot on this planet. If you could even call it a life.

Peggy seemed to notice the forlorn look on your face because she turned to Steve. "Steve, would you bring me some jello from the kitchens please?"

"Of course, Peggy," he stood immediately. He put his hand on your shoulder. "I'll be back."

Peggy turned to you once he had gone. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong, Y/N?"

"Nothing, Peg," you smiled at her.

She just stared at you. "I may be losing my mind, Y/N, but I haven't lost it quite that much. You couldn't fool me then, and you can't fool me now."

You sighed. She always did see more than you have her credit for. "I've stepped out of the shadows," you said finally. "For the first time in — a long time."

"And what's wrong with that? You could use a little sun, you're looking a bit pale," she said, chuckling.

You smiled at her briefly. "I guess I'm just afraid. The world is so different now, and I've been stuck in this place for so long. I isolated myself from everyone and everything, even you and Howard. But now, Steve is asking me to train someone, this girl. She has this power, Peggy. And I think I am supposed to help her. I think I can. But I guess I don't know how to be around them anymore."

"You seem to be doing alright around Steve," she said.

You smiled at her softly before looking at the jacket he had left on his chair. "Steve is — different. Steve knew me at a time before I lost myself. He reminds me of who I was, of what I want to be again."

"He cares for you, you know," she said.

You cringed. You hadn't meant to, but Steve was such a loud projector sometimes. You couldn't help but hear his thoughts, thoughts of you. Thoughts you couldn't encourage. "I know," you said. "But it doesn't matter. I cannot give him what he wants. Besides, he is human, and I am not. It will only end in heartbreak."