a book of lovely words

|| 7

Sometimes...you just don't feel happy

Maybe you feel sad
Maybe you feel uncomfortable 
Maybe you feel upset or mad or regretful or anxious or even...cruel?
Maybe you don't feel like the character you usually put on in front of others

And that's perfectly valid
That's is perfectly alright and perfectly human

Beloved, when was the last time someone has ever said you're valid even when what you're thinking or feeling or doing isn't necessarily "good"? 

My love, when was the last time you have said that to yourself? 

Sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong or in the right 
Sometimes, I'm not sure if this is something I should do or not
Sometimes, I'm not sure if what I'm thinking is something I'm supposed to be thinking 

and Always, there's no one I can go to

I am not lonely for I have many who I adore and love and am surrounded by 
However I can't help but feel alone

Alone, afraid of harming my fragile ego by asking others for help
Alone, isolating myself further from those who love me and hurting even more by listening to the small, anxious but sharp hitting words from my mind
Alone, curling myself up into a ball and not express my needs and wants clearly even though it contradicts what I've told many others before me
Alone, unable to swallow my pride by being the first to ask, being the one who reaches out, being the one in need of comfort and advice because that's MY job 

but it makes me wonder
have I really been doing my "job" that well if I can't even apply it on myself?

my thoughts, feelings, needs, wants - all these are begging to be let out, almost spilling over the edge of my tongue 
but when the time comes, they freeze - I stutter, I mumble, I stay silent 
and I regret it each and every time 

or if I don't, I'll filter my words 
lace them through intricate words and similes and what ifs 
and post mysterious and general writings that leave people worried or annoyed 
even now, I can't really say what I want to say for it is much too difficult, much too "attention-seeking", to put simply 
so instead, I'll be broad, unspecific but as detailed as I can 

People give what they need the most. 

Being understood is a love language. 

Silence can often be the best comfort. 

Am I valid to want all these things?