The Soldier and The Spy: Jay Halstead- Episode 7

Chapter 10

Fourteen Years Ago

The tile was cool against his feet, a stark contrast to the heat that radiated off him, the one that didn't dissipate even when he turned the water on and set it to as cold as it would go. How could it when every few seconds he saw Chester diving off the side of the chopper? When he kept hearing Selim's laughter?

He should have killed him. Should have put a bullet right between his fucking eyes. He would've been court-martialed for it but his commander would still be alive.

That was a fair trade.

Jay sucked in a deep breath and tried to focus on the feeling of the water rushing over him, which didn't work, just barely refraining from punching the wall and instead gripping his necklace. Protected in battle once more. Several times because he should've died a couple times tonight. Why hadn't he? What was it that made some people live and others die?

Was it really just luck?

Would it be better if it wasn't? If there was a God who decided?

Or would that just make him hate him even more?

Tess seemed to think it was better to believe it was all random but he only got a brief moment of comfort thinking of her before he remembered the look of guilt and sorrow in her eyes when he'd gotten off the chopper, just a few seconds before she'd gone to her team and he'd gone to his. He'd had a lot of shitty debriefs but that had been the worst. Hearing all his men blame themselves for not noticing the bomb sooner, hearing them praise him for catching Selim- apparently none of them wished he'd pulled the trigger, at least not that they'd say in front of the rest of their commanders. Hutchins had still had his usual disapproving look but Lockridge had commended him, said it was stupid to have run into the line of fire like that but commended his 'bravery' and Bronson... he'd just nodded and told him they'd speak tomorrow. He wasn't looking forward to it, but at least he had one.

He sucked down another breath when he saw Chester again and let his tears roll off like the water as he finally reached for the soap. He had died a hero and Jay would make sure his sacrifice hadn't been for nothing.

He still didn't feel much better when he finished but all that changed when he saw Tess waiting for him. It was the second time she'd surprised him like this and he did get a little bit of distant enjoyment at seeing the way her cheeks flushed when she saw him, he was just in a towel after all but it was hard to feel good about anything when there was still so much pain in her eyes.

"Hi." She said softly but before he could return the greeting she charged him, the tightest hug he'd gotten since his mom had dropped him off at the airport six months ago and just like he had then he took every bit of the love she giving him.

And it worked.

Finally the knots in his back loosened, the weight in his heart lifting as he inhaled her sweet vanilla scent, the blackberry soothing his racing mind. And it wasn't just him; he felt her tension ease too, the relief that they were both safe, alive and together. But not done for the night. Not when he saw the small brown knapsack by her feet. It took effort to drag himself back to his cot but he did it, stuck between wired and exhausted, so much he barely reacted when Tess turned away when he started changing- at this point he didn't care if she saw him naked, though he'd probably feel different about that in the morning.

He turned her back towards him when he was done, his heart giving one of those sharp tugs when he saw the worry on her face. "You don't have to come with me."

Like fuck he was letting her get anywhere near that scumbag without him.

He just... he needed a minute first.