Learn How to Love (Boy x Boy)

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟒

Luke was absently playing with the strings of my sweatshirt, curled up on the mattress as he leaned into my side. I felt weird. I wasn't used to snuggling with people, or anything for that matter. I'd never had stuffed animals or extremely memorable pets, and I was worried that I was the worst cuddling partner Luke had ever had. Not that we were cuddling partners. This was just a one time thing. Wasn't it?

The treehouse felt quiet now that Luke's sobs had stopped. He had lapsed into silence, and seemed content with fidgeting with the hoodie strings. His ears tickled my neck, but I refused to move in inch in case I disturbed him. Finally, I broke the silence.

"Do you want to talk about it now?" 

Luke sighed softly, and leaned his head against my shoulder. He rubbed his eyes. "I don't know... now I feel stupid for crying about it. Do you promise you won't laugh at me for it?"

I nodded. "Of course not." I had just watched him cry for almost ten minutes straight and I had held him while he sobbed. No matter what came out of his mouth, I don't think I'd be physically capable of ever making fun of him again. I reached up a hand and rubbed my head. I had been sitting up with him all night. According to the clock on my wall, it was nearly two o'clock in the morning. School would be hell tomorrow. 

Luke groaned. "So after I stormed out of the bathroom like a douche bag, I found Melanie smoking pot outside of the school with one of her friends. The friend was knocked out on the floor, and I probably should've turned around, ran back to you, and apologized to you." Luke looked up at me earnestly. "So, I'm sorry for getting mad at you for no valid reason. You can say 'I told you so', but only when I'm done telling the story."

"Deal."

Luke picked a string on the pocket of my hoodie. "Anyways Melanie was like 'Hey, I've missed you' and I told her that I missed her too, and we exchanged numbers and we spent the rest of that period talking. I asked her if she wanted to go out to eat, but she said she wanted me to come back to her place. I... I didn't put two and two together."

I smirked. I wasn't surprised.

"She had a bunch of freezer meals, and the whole time I looked kind of sad eating it because I missed your pasta and Melanie noticed and asked if something was wrong. I told her I wasn't super hungry, and that something had happened recently that had kind of upset me. She told me that there was something she could do to make me feel better." Luke trailed off then, as if remembering something he didn't want to.

"She didn't force you to do anything, did she?" I asked, concerned.

Luke shook his head. "No, no of course not! Melanie isn't like that. She's kind of loud but she's respectful. She asked if I was okay with it, and I said yeah, and then she sort of leaned in for a kiss..."

I waited for him to continue, but he had once again fallen into silence. I nudged him gently. "And then?"

Luke mumbled something under his breath. 

"What was that?"

Luke smiled mischievously. "Nothing. Anyways we kissed and... it felt so weird." 

I glanced down at him. "You really need to work on describing stuff better. You cried for half an hour because it felt 'weird'?"

Luke shook his head. "You don't get it. When I kissed her, my whole body like erupted. It felt like I was falling into this endless void of darkness, like a suffocating, never-ending pit I couldn't escape from."

Too much detail now, I mused.

"I pulled away, and I started crying. I was so upset. I've always had crushes on girls, or at least I thought I have, but kissing them felt so disgusting. Melanie tried to comfort me and tell me it was alright, but I couldn't stop crying. We hugged for a little while, but even that felt so horrible." Even as he claimed that the physical contact with Melanie felt awful, he was snuggling deeper into my arms. I felt a flicker of mean pride about it, even though I didn't know Melanie all that well. It had been bothering me all day that Luke was going on some sort of date, and now that I knew it hadn't gone well I could kind of rest easy. Besides the fact that Luke was upset, which made it much more difficult to rest. 

Luke wrapped the string of my hoodie around his finger. "Anyways, Melanie said it was okay, and she walked me outside. She told me she wouldn't tell anyone and that she was completely fine with being friends."

"So why were you crying if she wasn't upset or anything?"

Luke crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. He rested his head sideways on my shoulder. "It was just sort of shocking to realize that... that I might not like girls."

I pulled back, startled. "What? What do you mean?"

Luke looked up at me earnestly. "Please don't take this the wrong way, Kylar. I just- kissing Melanie made me realize that I didn't really want to kiss girls. Ever again. When I was walking around town, trying to calm down, everytime I tried to picture me making out with someone again it made me want to throw up. Everytime I tried to picture a future, I pictured it with a guy."

"Why was that so shocking?"

"Because... I don't want to be gay."

I frowned. 

Luke covered his face with his hands and brought his knees up to his chest. "There isn't anything wrong with it, of course. I mean, you're gay, and you're awesome. But I'm not like you. I can't be gay."

I rubbed his arm. "Gay people don't get a choice, Luke."

"But why? Why can't I like girls? Like Justin, or Frank?"

I looked away, at the circle window. I knew exactly how Luke felt. Every queer person always had that period where they questioned why the hell they felt this way, and how to "fix" it. Because of parents, or kids at school, or maybe their own internalized emotions. The point is that it was so hard to feel normal when everyone around you told you you weren't. Luke was popular, athletic, and was friends with the most homophobic douches in our school. I wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel included.

"It's not that simple. Nothing really is, though. Especially when it comes to this stuff. All you know is how you feel, you can't let other people determine how you live your life. So... I guess you're not bisexual then? It's kind of strange, since I always imagined you were the most experienced kisser in our school."

Luke glanced at me. "How often did you think of who I kissed?"

I blushed and turned away. "That's not the point. A-Anyways, what I'm saying is that the whole "liking your own gender" shit gets really messy. You don't need a label, either. You can just say that you like boys, or you can say you like girls, or you can say you like both. You don't owe anybody an explanation. You're just you."

Luke scoffed. "You sound like you're speaking right out of an encylopedia."

I flushed. "I-I have a few books my grandma got me, about this kind of stuff. You can read them, if you want. But only if you want."

Luke nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that."

"Great." I yawned. "Now, can we please go to bed? We'll be lucky to get two or three hours of sleep tonight before school."

Luke shook his head. "No way I'm going to school."

I frowned. "Why?"

"Why do you think? I just- need some time. I don't know if I can go to school and pretend anymore. I mean, what if Justin starts talking about boobs? I used to be fine listening to them talk about that kind of stuff but now I feel like I'm going to puke if I hear them say 'titties' one more time."

I smiled sympathetically. "It'll get easier. Unless you want to come out to them."

Luke winced. "I... I don't think so. Not yet, anyways."

I laid down on my back, my head sinking into the pillow. "Yeah, that's cool. I had Sadie to come out with me, so I didn't feel so alone. I was so scared of what people might think, but then after it was over I just didn't care what people thought. There was no one I was trying to impress. All I want to do is get good grades and get into a good college."

Luke chewed on his bottom lip. I reached out and flipped off the lights, and the room was flooded by darkness. A beam of light cast through the circle window was the only thing piercing through the inky blackness. "Hey Kylar..."

"Hm?" I mumbled, already half-asleep.

"Can I sleep with you?"

"What, like cuddling more?"

Luke shuffled on the mattress. "No, just next to you. I just want to sleep next to you."

I nodded. "Fine..." I grunted. "Don't make too much noise."