sic semper tyrannis

pace tua

Even weeks after the incident, Kaveh more often than not returned to the balcony, staring off into the distance. Alhaitham didn't know whether it was for the lights, the sunset, or the stars, but he stayed there for long hours, just watching as his hair lightly blew around behind him.

Kaveh leaned against the railing, pressing his elbows to it to hold his head up. Sometimes he shifted slightly, but never far from that position. He just watched, never turning his head back toward his room. He looked so far away like that. Lost in his thoughts.

He didn't so much as shudder when Alhaitham opened the door, stepping out into the quiet chill of night. He slotted into place next to the prince, brushing against Kaveh's elbow with his own.

"Are you doing alright?" Alhaitham kept his tone low in an attempt not to frighten him, not to cause any unnecessary outburst. He truly wasn't quite sure about Kaveh anymore. He didn't know what to do. Sometimes he seemed like he was getting better and other times it felt like he was about to fall apart.

Kaveh slowly turned toward him, expressionless. His eyes were dull and puffy like he'd been crying, but he forced a smile like always. "Haitham," he said quietly, and the man in question held his breath. "Have you ever thought about killing yourself?"

The next breath came out fast and Alhaitham nearly stepped back, surprise hitting him like a pound of bricks. He knew his eyes must have gone wide because Kaveh laughed at him, though it was cruel and unusual from his mouth. Gone were the traces of optimism and relentless joy from his youth.

"I was just asking." Kaveh waved a hand in dismissal, turning his head back up toward the dark night sky. "Rhetorical question if you will. I know you haven't."

"But you have," Alhaitham whispered. He didn't dare speak up, afraid of breaking some of the tension that has settled over them. It felt all too real all of a sudden.

There Kaveh was, sitting pretty in the night with his hair unbraided, allowing the longer strands to blow lightly in the breeze. He looked so serene like this, always had, but now there was an emptiness to his gaze and Alhaitham was suddenly afraid he might as well easily climb over the rail and cast himself to the ground long below.

The thought made his stomach churn.

"Yes," Kaveh answered simply. The light from his room illuminated his back while the glow of the stars reflected back into his eyes, giving them at least some light, and it just made this moment feel all the more ephemeral.

It was too fleeting and Alhaitham felt he had no control over it at all. He hated that. He hated feeling like Kaveh was out of reach, so he bridged the distance between them by taking Kaveh's hand and slowly intertwining their fingers.

"I would miss you," he said simply, but perhaps it didn't need more at all. It was the truth and he could afford to just say the truth and nothing more.

Kaveh stared blankly at him, gaze momentarily shifting from Alhaitham's face then down to their hands, and then back to his eyes. It was intimate, too intimate maybe, for he ripped his hand away and stumbled backward into the rail, reaching both of his hands out to place alongside it.

The look he gave Alhaitham was one of disgust. His ruby eyes were narrowed and his mouth hung open, twisted into something akin to hatred or maybe despair. He blinked his eyes rapidly, lowering his head to the ground and bringing one hand to his face to wipe away what Alhaitham could only assume was the beginning of tears.

Then Kaveh lifted his head again, wrinkling his nose in more disgust. Perhaps it was disgust at himself. "You wanted to kill me the day we first met."