My heartbreak

Even After Everything?

How happy i was, i do not remember.
Even after everything,
Even after my thousands of attempts to breakup with him only because i felt insecure because of his ex, with whom he never ever talked or even thought of.
Even after comparing him to the guy i had a crush on before, a thousand times
A thousand times making him cry
Making him suffer so much
How much i am embarrassed to tell this, but even after having a crush on that Danish guy even when we were together
Demanding lots of attention even when he had fucking exams
Keeping him awake for nights, not caring if he was ill or not.
How horrible i have been right?
People would say i do not deserve to cry
I do not deserve to grieve over him
Nor blame him for anything he does
For i have made him suffer a lot more
And they did.
People actually did tell me that i was not deserving him
That i only deserved a coward who would not have the courage to be alone to put up with me

Do i have a defense?
Not really.
I don't remember much of the time, it was more than a year ago.
That's why i am here, you know
Therapy is expensive.
Plus i like journaling.
I have always been journaling to be honest, since the very beginning
When i met him
Almost four years ago...

And i want to write every single bit of our history
I do not know if it would help me or not.
I do not care.
I just want to tell the world how magical the whole thing was for me
Or at least that's what you think when you are heavily blinded by a recent breakup and a soon-to-come depression
:)

I listened to all the podcasts that tell me to hate him
That tell me to forget the good memories, get rid of the rose colored glasses, to stop blaming myself.

Which hopefully one day i will manage
But for now, i have no choice but to suffer
For that's what my heart wants to do
Even if it's a very warm, nice summer now when people in love meet and create new stories together, that may last forever
We did too
And now all i want to do is to paint the world black in my grief
Even the sky, that has the color of my beloved one's eyes
I want to sleep for an eternity
And wake up to a lifetime in which he forgives me
And embareces me, whispering it's all gone, everything is fine
In which he is the same sweet boy from two years ago, who thinks of me as a holy creation of God
As pure as Ganga, as lovely as music

But that's just a memory now
And i have to detach myself from it
Suffering for the sake of love is only beautiful when Alexander Rybak sings it:

"I am in love with a fairytale, even if it hurts
Cause I don't care if I lose my mind, I am already cursed"

Would i prefer not to meet him if i had known my state now?
Let's think