My heartbreak

2019

He was the best friend of a friend i lived with.
I was very shy back then, I knew some people shipped us together but I liked another guy.
I only listened to him from my friend and i thought of him as a very different person from a different world
He had a girl best friend after all, even that was unacceptable in my life. I thought they liked each other and would eventually be together.
Imagine me when i heard the rumor that he had dozens of girlfriends before, when i never had one boyfriend.
We were really young

It was about to be his birthday, my friend was making him a very nice present. She was putting so much efforts that i wanted to tease her

By texting him "if you had known what she is doing for you, you would be soo happy"

He responded, asking for clues, saying he is inpatient to see his birthday present.

And we talked for half an hour maybe, I don't even remember about what.

I only thought he was very nice to chat with

The same night he texted a good night to me, which took me by surprise.
I thought that he was being very kind and adorable, texting someone who talked for half an hour good night.
I felt that we would be friends because of his good night text, i was very happy.

This was the beginning.
Beginning to many lovely conversations we had with him
Almost for a month.
Then?
Then comes the first bitterness of our relation.
I wonder if you still regret what has happened like i regret what I had done.
I cannot ask you though.
I just blocked you yesterday, promised myself to never talk to you again.
That sucks.
But i guess we have nothing we can do.

I have to stop waiting for miracles, stop waiting for an imaginary time to come when you love me like you did before.
It will never come.
I should move on from you like you had from me.
But you promised me that i had to wait for a month, only for a month, then we would fix everything between us
You said we would talk a lot, like we used to
You said we would go on dates, lots of dates, like we used to
Then we would love each other again, like we used to.
You promised me with these exact words:
"You can trust me with this, i could never let you down. Just a month, not even a month, 15 days, wait, and i will be there"

Then the time you promised about came,
Only for you to insult me and say you have no time for me

I reminded you of your promise, i was too needy
"Nothing I can do" you said
Then continued with your lies, that you would handle it.
Even promised a date for next week
But i already knew you lied.
And if you were reading these you would insult me even more
You would say that i am being a paranoid, its all in my head, that there is no way i can prove you were not actually planning to fullfil your promise.

When you know better that you had no intention to take the responsibility of your promise.
You said "look, i knew you would blame me for things! I cannot waste my youth with your accusations!"
I just smiled at that you know,
And you heard my cracking voice over the phone;
"But what was i supposed to do? You promised..."

I understood that no matter what i feel, you would not care anymore.
I felt stupid
I wanted to die
When I told about how i felt to your photo, your photo answered me;
"Yeah, that's what i felt last year, so shut the hell up bitch"

Even my own mind was an enemy to me
I just cried
I still do, for i have no idea what else i am supposed to do.