I've spent longer than what's usual locked up in my head, frozen in time. I know what it's like to live the same day over and over again ━ not having an escape, not looking for an escape because that was never an option. in some messed up way I think I liked it or I probably just got well accustomed to the routine. now that I'm out of it, it just feels sort of unnatural. I sometimes still dream about being in a lockup ━ it's a sort of relief if you think about it. nothing that will catch you off guard happens, you know what comes next and after. something like a simulation where you're never off-beat because the steps are pre-set.
people watch and people talk, that's how it's always been. it's easy to put labels on others ━ "she does this, so she must be like this". naturally, I've been labeled too, told what I am; given a name, a tag. many like me, never even try escaping that. in some sick way, I wore the tag and showed up every day (it doesn't leave much room for you to sit and think about yourself then because others already have, they've told you what you are). the thing about spending all your time in your head is that you get to experience each passing moment ━ it's more of a torment than something that brings you peace. when I'm surrounded, I barely ever think ━ "being in the moment" but when it's just me, I get so in the moment ━ I think every passing second, I think about things I don't want to remember, I think about the unthinkable ━ I think about it all, it's my own personal hell.
