using you | PJM

-Prologue-

Hey there to whoever finds this note!

You may or may not know me. (I don't think giving an introduction is a prerequisite)

Just know that I'd actually thrown the glass jar, containing this scroll inside, praying no one would find it. If the ocean does deliver this glass jar at your footstep while you were in the midst of enjoying/viewing shells, sunset, waves, or sex, I'm sorry. A quick spoiler: These are my very random thoughts which are being scribbled down on this sheet. Do not waste your time thinking this is a "treasure island map" or something cause clearly, it's not. Thank you.

If you wish to continue reading this scroll to fly by your time, be my guest!

Soooo...

I did something recently... 

I enrolled myself in therapy... 

and it is... 

not as bad as I assumed it to be!!?? 

The feeling's almost equitable to the "ecstatic-euphoria-of-sipping-a-fancy-glass-of-wine-by-the-seashore-under-the-calm-stillness-of-the-night-sky", I guess.

To be completely honest, therapy makes me feel eccentric. Eccentricness swallows me as I:- 01. Surround myself with emotions, 02. Decipher it, and 03. Take a dive deeper into these emotions to know my core. All of this isn't exactly the eccentric part though; the after-effect following the above process is what kicks in the feeling into my bloodstream. A conscious rhythm of my every breath makes me feel alive which resonates itself through the mildly stable yet wild pumping of my heart. One may reasonably argue that there are pros and cons to everything in this world, which leaves therapy as no exception either. In my opinion, there are no cons to therapy,(ignoring the money factor that comes to play) needed that it's being dished out by a rightful guide. 

Although I have to admit, I was a bit hesitant to start the course during the beginning days; Mr. Min, my therapist and now also my life support, made a really good first impression on me which was the sole reason I stayed to continue. I'd never expected a sassy old man in his 30's, who apparently lives and would die for cats playing the role of a father-figure in my life someday. When I say he is a man who resembles me of a father I was never fortunate enough to have, I'm not kidding. From our first interaction to our latest one, he still convinces me that all hope is not lost, and that if I pursue my passions a teeny-weeny bit resistantly, I'll get the life I've dreamt of! The usual shifts he works for lasts 9:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. and his second slot goes around from 6:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. Regardless of his work timings, he always pays attention to my needs! I remember going through a major panic attack at around 3:45 a.m. on one fine Tuesday night, during which, I quite painstakingly dialled Mr. Min's number; half-heartedly knowing that he would not be picking up since, firstly it's fucking 3:45 in the night and secondly, because it goes against his work ethics. Reality surpassed my expectations as the call was answered within the first few rings itself! 

A few days back, during our fifth session together, Mr. Min questioned me a few self-reflective questions to know where exactly my roots lie. There were many questions that I didn't have solid answers to. How can I answer his questions when I'm yet to know who I am? Although he didn't seem annoyed by my silence and blank stares; I knew that deep down he was itching to know the true me. The true Park Jimin, who more often than not, stays concealed inside the walls of fear and insecurity. When the only answer to all of his questions was my silence to the point that our whole session had reached a dead-end, he averted his gaze from his laptop and panned me dead in the eye. 

I still remember all his words that day, but one question that stood out to me the most was "Jimin, what do you think is the greatest irony of life?". 

What is the biggest irony of life...? 

These words keep screaming inside my head as if begging me to admit I've lived and felt the pain of living. The loud crashes of the waves against the rocks aren't helping me push back this chain of thoughts nor the feelings that arouses with it. 

I didn't have an answer to that question then, but now as I sit and think about it while playing with the grains of sand swallowing the view of an endless water-body in front of me, I think I do. And since I'm feeling too vulnerable to say out my current thoughts to Mr. Min, I'm writing my answer to that question down here in this scroll. And you, oh bored one, are reading it right now; a stranger's vulnerability. 

So here goes nothing.

The irony of life is something I've learned from my experiences—there can be no happiness without sadness; a person can be sitting in a room crowded with people and still find themself isolated; the ones who promise to stick by your side for a long time are the ones who walk away first and as the prolific American writer Robert Heinlein said, "The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive" I couldn't agree more. 

The biggest personal irony I've lived, you may ask?

To have everything and still have nothing.