7.05.2023
" Expectations , expectations and expectations ", she yelled. " Sitting there and thinking about the answers I had to give after those three hours, the disappointed faces I had to face just because I , not even them, but I , didn't do well , my sad but still happy grandparents longing for me to come and stay with them after doing well today , the neighbours and relatives who were waiting to call and text and meet, and me myself, who had so many hopes of achieving the things I wanted. I had to face all this on that day.
1.07.2023
I feel like I am lost and there's no way out. I wanted to have a great vacation but here it comes to an end without any great things .I have a lot on my plate right now and I just don't know what to do. My cerebrum is full of tangled thoughts, which has no hope of being sorted any soon.
School was a great place. After that, it feels like we were swimming in a pool and now we have to swim in an ocean. Nothing is working out since then. No friends, no direction of studies, no personality development and none of the other things. Ever since my school ended , life has been so much depressing and I don't know what else I should say. I wish time could stop for months or years until i could grasp the situation around me and find my way out of this mess.
3.07.2023
This date has a great significance as its the day I angrily took an oath in front of my mother . " Please note this date in your diary and remember every single word I utter today till I prove it all right. Just because you keep on saying I cant clear this exam , I want to show you that I can . But I won't continue studying my dream course as I will only clear the exam for you to be proved wrong. Remember that I'll always be unhappy and blame you for not letting me become what I wanted to be , for not supporting me when you should've , and also for not understanding your daughter when she needed that the most. "
But, is this how I feel right now? Just after 8 minutes of our heated conversation, I don't feel the same anymore. Can you guess why, Mother ? Not because I said it all in the heat of the moment but because my opponent was my mother. Just like how parents feel the pain and hurt when their child suffers, Are parents aware that it works the other way around too? Whom shall I prove wrong ? ,The one I do everything for?
7.07.2023
Hi.
From doubting myself to thinking that maybe I still have the spirit, all this in just four countable days. I would be lying if I say that the process of getting back again is going to be easy and sorted. Things are definitely not going to go smoothly without any hurdles, because this isn't what life means. When everyone seemed to be against my decision , I decided to believe in the power of my words. But I didn't knew that all that was just a cover up and every faith I had was not in my own self but my parents. I believed that they will always be on my side of the argument and that was the real power I had. Not the belief in myself but my parents. I am feeling mixed emotions right now , why don't younger siblings try to understand the elder ones? or is it just taking place at my home? I have become the worst person in her life, which I never wished for. I don't even know how to put things in a good place again . Am I really the bad one? or she overreacting .
8.07.2023
New day , new fights. This should be the quote instead of new day , new beginnings. Everyday feels like a different war. I want to end everything. I don't think I am the wrong one ,she is the one. She won't ever know the pain and hurt she gave me in these years and many more to count. Don't get distracted, I'm talking about my younger sibling. She is fourteen and I, twenty. These are no more bickerings , it's way too toxic now.
12.07.2023
Toxicity all around. These days there exists no thing named as peace in our house, infact it doesn't even feel like home.
13.07.2023
It's evening, and I am trying to learn how to adjust even if a fixed schedule isn't working according to how you decided it.
19.07.2023
Ugh! I know I'm here after quite a few days. My entire body is paining like hell and its almost going to be midnight but I still have to make my schedule . I don't think my body can go on with this pain today. I think I'll have to do rest of the work tomorrow. But I can't get another scolding right after I wake up in the morning, already my mornings are the worst. I can't risk to make it even worse. Still , let's just make a broad plan for tomorrow atleast . Getting up at 7 in the morning will do for tomorrow, then continue to write or read a novel, after that make your schedule , drink 3 litres of water, have a healthy diet and ofcourse meals should be on time, one small workout session , posting on unbind should be the last thing you do.
