20.07.2023
They never thought I would be this worse. The hand that slapped me four times in a row ,is still shivering and paining. I want to say a lot
I'm the worst. I never knew I'll be the reason of everyone's pain. My father never lets out, but when he does it just feels like there is nothing more in the world for me to give them, I'm already such a pain. I'm the worst , I hate myself. I want to just sit like a puppet and not utter a word ever gain in the upcoming life of mine. Will things get better ? Is this the right way to sort out ? I guess I deserve to be like this. No one has ever been happy because of me, no matter how much I want them to. I try , I really try hard every single time to make things better among all of us but, I make them even worse because I'm the worst. At this point each part of me is aching, but nobody knows. I don't know what has happened between us, things wee not like this before. Whom to blame ? , doesn't matter who's the wrong one but the blame is all mine. I thought my father allowed me to pursue what I wanted to because he somewhere believed that I can make it but the real reason seems to a hurt a bit. He has to unwillingly lie to his friends when they enquire about how much I scored and then they reply with such a taunt ," YOUR DAUGHTER JUST MANAGED TO GET THIS MUCH IN TWO FREAKING YEARS ?", as if they secured All India Rank 1. The only thing that's on my mind right this moment is to freaking throw my result on their faces which says " Secured AIR 1." And my parents , why don't they get that there's nothing wrong in not being able to clear some examination , it wasn't the people's decision to make me dream about my favourite college, it wasn't their choice to make me want to crack this exam, then who are they to taunt and give lectures on how I was unable to do it ? I didn't commit a crime. Yes I didn't score great , and what's so wrong about it? . Did I ask you what are your children achieving? did I suggest you what should you do with your child's future? No right? , then what gives you the right to order me around regarding this topic. Ugh! who am I to blabber all this shit to them when my own parents couldn't trust that maybe I can win this time.
22.07.2023
Everyone's life is going good and here I am ,ugh! wanting to still cherish my past. What's going on dude, I don't know .I feel worthless at this moment
it has been really difficult to keep myself up and positive in such a discouraging and demotivated environment. I knew I can't do it alone, I knew I can't always encourage myself even after listening to discouragement, I knew breaking down will come, and this is the moment I feel I'm breaking . .. .
At present I need someone. Some one who's on my side.
