1. Siya ang bida.
You have a supporting role, not the central role, in your friend's grief. Wag naman yung tipong "pinagdaanan ko na din yan, ganito gawin mo. Dapat ganyan." Don't tell her/him to do or feel differently than they do. Grief is a personal experience and belongs entirely to the person experiencing it. Kung pinagdaanan mo na yung parehong sitwasyon, hindi ibig sabihin nun na pinagdaanan nyo yung parehong sakit. Since siya naman ang nasasaktan ngayon, siya lang muna ang bida ha? Moment nya 'yan.
2. Just be there and tell the truth.
We usually make statements about the future when our friend's present life holds unbearable pain, like "darating din yung time na sasaya ka ulit. Mas masaya kesa dati." Hindi ka naman talaga sigurado kung magiging maayos din lahat eh, sinasabi mo lang para pagaanin ang loob niya at umaasa ka nalang din na ganun nga ang mangyari.
It is tempting to generalize statements about the situation in an attempt to soothe your friend. Aminin mo man o hindi, hindi ka naman talaga sigurado kung "masaya na siya ngayon" o "makakahanap ka din ng better pa sa kanya." These future-based, omniscient, generalized platitudes aren't helpful. Just stick with the truth: "this hurts. I love you. I'm here." This statement does better, believe me :)
3. Do not try to fix unfixable.
Your friend's loss cannot be fixed or repaired or solved. The pain itself cannot be made better. Please see #2. Do not say anything that tries to fix the unfixable, and you will do just fine. It is an unfathomable relief to have a friend who does not try to take the pain away.
4. Be willing to witness his/her grief.
To do number 4 while also practice number 3. And it won't be easy for you, I know :)
5. This is not about you.
Being with someone in pain is not easy. You will have things to come up with- stresses, questions, anger, fear, guilt. Your feelings will likely be hurt. You may feel ignored and unappreciated. Your friend cannot show up for their part of the relationship very well. Please don't take it personally, and please don't take it out on them. Please find your own people to lean on at this time- it's important that you will be supported while you support your friend. Sabi ko nga sa number 1, siya ang bida.
6. Anticipate, don't ask.
'Wag mong sabihing "tawagan mo 'ko pag kailangan mo ng kausap" kasi hindi siya tatawag. Not because they don't need, but because identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need, and then making a phone call to ask is light years beyond their energy levels, capacity or interest. Instead, make concrete offers: "pupunta ako mamaya diyan, sabay na tayong kumain." or "tara, maglakad lakad muna tayo sa labas, masarap hangin dun." Be reliable.
7. Do the recurring things.
The actual, heavy, real work of grieving is not something you can do, but you can lessen the burden of "normal" life requirements for your friend. Are there recurring tasks or chores that you might do? Gaya ng pagredecorate ng bahay niya, magluto ng pagkain kasama siya o tulungan siya sa garden. Support your friend in small, ordinary ways - these things are tangible evidence of love.
Don't try to do anything that is irreversible - like doing laundry or cleaning up the house - unless you check with your friend first. That empty soda bottle beside the couch may look like trash, but may have been left there by their husband/boyfriend just the other day. The dirty laundry may be the last thing that smells like her. Do you see where I'm going here? Tiny little normal things become precious. Ask first.
8. Do things together.
Gaya ng pag grocery, pag bili ng mga bagay na kailangan niya o kahit sa pagligpit sa kwarto niya. Offer your assistance and follow through with your offers. Follow your friend's lead in these tasks. Your presence alongside them is helpful.
9. Run interference.
To the griever, the influx of people who want to show their support can be seriously overwhelming. There might be ways you can shield and shelter your friend by setting yourself up as the designated point person- yung tipong babalitaan mo siya mo kung ano nang nangyayari sa labas ng bahay niya kung nagkukulong siya. Gatekeepers are really helpful.
10. Love.
Syempre show your love. Say something. Do something. 'Wag mo lang siyang iwan. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Kailangan niya ng makikinig sa kanya. Kailangan niya ng iintindi sa kanya, ng magmamahal sa kanya.
