All the Wrong Reasons

Some explanations.

Chapter 15:

As I walked into school on the first day back at school, I wondered how many times I would have to walk into the building with dread in my heart. It had happened so many times before it was almost boring. Been there, done that.

I breezed through the corridors and went straight to my English class. A lot of people glanced my way, but I ignored them. Or tried to. I had mentally prepared myself for this ordeal, thinking through all the likely scenarios, working out ways to cope. I had also made some effort with my appearances for once. I had put on jeans that fit and wore a top wasn’t five years old. I had raided Jenny’s makeup bag and borrowed a pair of pink flats. I had brushed my hair and styled it a bit, letting it hang loose instead of pulling it back. I hardly turned heads in the street, but at least I wasn't forfeiting right away.

I paused in the doorway. One of two situations would occur inside. Either he would be there, or he wouldn’t. Neither were very appealing, but I couldn’t work out which would be worse.

I took a deep breath and pushed open the door. This is just a bad moment in time. It will pass, just as all the other bad moments passed.

The crowd of people around his desk and the hush that fell over the room as I entered answered my first question. There he was, holding court as if he had never left. He was sitting at his usual seat, surrounded by friends and jealously guarded by Miss Kathleen Nerrer. Kathy shot me a loaded look and put her arm around his shoulders, a gesture both marking her territory and protecting him from me. I forced myself to keep moving. From what I had been saying, nothing had ever happened between Connor and me, so there was no reason why his presence should trigger a reaction from me, and there was no way I was going to give them the satisfaction of proving them wrong. 

I nodded vaguely at the knot of people and smiled with their general direction. I sat down at my desk and pulled my books out of bags. I could feel the weight of many eyes on the back on my neck. I bowed my head, pretending to be fascinated by my copy of Midsummer’s Night Dream. I rearranged my notebook so it was perfectly lined up with the edge of the desk. I laid out my pens by order of size. I moved my book again, so it lined up with the notebook.

I closed my eyes and imagined the deep, dark universe. I could feel the familiar trembling in my legs, the first sign of an imminent panic attack, and that was possibly the worst thing that could happen right now. I focused all my attention on my breathing, on the in and out, pushing the whispers away from me, ignoring them, pushing at the blackness that was creeping up on me. I could not have a blow flow panic attack right now.

“Annabeth, are you alright?” I jumped and opened my eyes as someone put their hand on my shoulder. Eddie Pushing was standing next to my desk, leaning down to look at me. “Do you want to go outside?”

I shook my head but didn’t say anything as I didn’t trust myself to talk.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yeah” I swallowed hard and managed a wobbly smile.

Eddie smiled back and sat down at the next desk, but he continued to watch me out of the corner of his eye. I wondered what he was playing at. Eddie and I had known each other by sight for years, since we had both been living in the same town since we were tiny and having frequented the same school since the age of five. We had probably spoken four times.

Mrs Ritcher finally arrived after what seemed like an eternity and most of the crowd was dispersed. I kept my eyes fixed on the board and listened to every word of Mrs Ritcher’s speech about the influenced of Shakespeare. My back was aching with tension before the lesson was halfway over. My neck was killing me, but I didn’t once turn around to look behind me.