(this is satire)
(This is a joke fanfic me and my friends wrote December 2021 please dont tell me to kill myself XD)
Shrek sighed, sitting next to Fiona on the couch. He just simply was not in love with Fiona anymore. He wanted to be with his true mate, fruity pinocchio. But alas, Pinocchio had a girlfriend. Bella Theseareroxyseyes Pierre. She had ugly blue hair and was ridden with fleas. AND THAT WAS DATING MATERIAL FOR YOUNG 1872872 YEAR OLD PINOCCHIO. FLEAS ARE HOT NOW. Shrek sighed longingly, staring at Fiona and then his three children. Shrek went into his kids's rooms to clean up their toys, yet when he opened the drawer he found pee. So much. So much pee and he had had enough of his awful children peeing on the furniture. So he like.... Yeeted Fiona into the sun or whatever. And then dug a hole and stuck his kids in there.
Meanwhile, with pinocchio, he had hopped on his horse and yelled. "COME ON TIBBO GREAT ADVENTURE AWAITS✨✨✨" He grinned and on the way whispered menacingly with a jojo face. "Skidee skidee skidee skidee" Shrek ran out of his house, excited to feel the sweet embrace of his man. Pinocchio swept Shrek off of his feet, "ah pinocchio 😩😩 why must you do this to me, my love?😩😩😩" Shrek said with a soft voice. Pinocchio grinned, pulling Shrek closer to himself "Run away with me, we shall live in a dumpster and leave our children." Laughing, Shrek spoke, "if I wanted to leave my children I would have put them in a dirt hole... oh wait... I already did that so I could be with you my sweet sweet baby boy" Pinocchio grinned and blushed at shrek. Then Pinocchio let out a little giggle. "Aw baby, I hope we can have biological children some day." Shrek smiled "Me too.. I love you so much my lovely darling peach" he responded.
"So, which dumpster shall we nest in my dear" Pinocchio queried. Shrek looked around "How about Walmarts dumpster? I heard it's quite high quality with a lovely view" he suggested. "I would love that, seeing old men have their asses hanging out of their underwear in the parking lot, we'll make out at midnight! SCRATCH THAT!!! WE'LL MAKE OUT ALL THE DANG TIME MY LOVE!!!!" Shrek and Pinocchio hopped on Tibbo and yelled skidee skidee together to the nearest Walmart dumpster. "When should we have a wedding?" Shrek asked. "Oh about that..." Pinocchio paused, got down on one knee and spoke, "Shrek, will you marry me? We can go live out our lives stabbing children in their pp's until they die from blood loss!" Shrek looked stunned, and said "YES I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT!!!" Pinocchio smiled, ignoring the strange looks from strangers around the Walmart's parking lot and the car's horn honking at Tibbo to get out of the parking lot. Without any warning, one of the cars got tired of this horse's shiba inu and just kept driving, running Tibbo over. Pinocchio gasped "TIBB OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed, running towards pancake Tibbo.
Shrek gasped "Wait!" he called out as another car passed by, running over Pinocchio. Shrek's eyes widened, tears welling up "Pinocchio...." he whispered. Shrek looked away, knowing if he ran over to cradle Pinnochio's body in his arms he, too, would die. Shrek looked back, staring at Pinnochio's body, temptation rising. Yet he couldn't, he was too scared to die. Later that night, Shrek put Pinocchio's body into a possum den, and Pinocchio was devoured mercilessly by the possums. Shrek shed a tear, or perhaps it was trash burger grease from the dumpster, he could not tell. He walked away and on the way he met a young blonde fellow with horrible makeup. He yelled at Shrek for making him drop his choccy milk, and kicked Shrek in the leg with his mettaton style boots for making him drop his Mcdonalds choccy milk. Shrek was instantly in love.
Shrek grinned and grabbed the boy by the shoulders. "What is your name?" Shrek asked. The boy sighed angrily. "I used to be Prep Kevin SLay, but now I am PINOCCHIO 2.0" He yelled, hovering in the air. Shrek gasped dramatically. "Pinocchio?! I thought you were turned into a wooden material girl pancake!!!!!!!!!!!" Shrek anime gasped. Pinocchio hovered in the air once more. "YOU WERE WILLING TO TOSS THE ONE DAY WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER ASIDE FOR PREP KEVIN. HOW DARE YOU, SHREK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Pinocchio 2.0 screamed, materializing the ghost of Prep Kevin into existence. "I WANT CHOCCY MILK, YASS QUEEN, SL A Y. I CRAVE THE EMBRACE OF A MAN. HOT CHOCCY UWU AAAAAAAAAAAAA" Prep Kevin screeched. Now Shrek was in a boss battle.
Shrek looked in fear, but he enjoyed the feeling. He knew that he would have him "AH YES COME WITH ME TO MY DUMPSTER AND I WILL MAKE YOUR HAPPIEST DAY WITH SOME HEPATITIS B! IF YOU JUST COME TO MY DUMPSTER" Shrek looked happy to see prep Kevin have an intrigued look on his face. "Are you excited?" Shrek asked with a grin on his face. Kevin giggled "Of course" hee hee responded.
The end
