I know.

Thirty Four

I sunk down under his duvet, tugging on the hoodie I'd pulled out of his wardrobe, nothing on underneath. His scent swamped this room. I'd stayed in here before, whenever it got too late to go home. He barely used it and as much as Moira wanted to, she couldn't do it up into the spare room she wanted. This was his room and even if he lived hundreds of miles away, when he came home, it was still his room. That's what she'd say. She still treat it like a spare room though. So much so that she'd scream at Griffin the day before he left to make sure it was clean properly. Gus would escape to my place when she was because it normally ended in a screaming match between them both about whatever.

I'd never focused on the smell of things in here before. It wasn't how it had smelled when I noticed it when he was a teenager. That was rank and one of the reasons I stopped coming in here before we stopped talking. When he first left, his mum said she had the windows open for a week solid, cleaning everything in sight to get rid of the stench. Even then, she still kept this window propped open out of fear it would return.

I'd been a bitch earlier.

I knew it.

But I also knew that he'd feel terrible for not knowing and not being able to be here. Zoe and Gus and Moira knew I didn't like to talk about it. Not on the anniversary. I spoke about it as little as possible anyway but today I just avoided the topic in general. Griffin wouldn't know that. He hadn't done the past 6 anniversaries. He didn't know how I coped, he didn't know what to say and what not to say. I bet to him, this would have been like it was fresh. I'd have been met with the pitiful eyes everyone else in town gave me this time of year. That stupid head tilt as he asked if I was okay. He'd probably try get me to talk about them and I just- that was the worst thing I could do for it right now.

I turned my phone back on, flicking it to silent as the notifications started flooding in, screen lighting up the otherwise pitch black room.

It wasn't fair of me to end the call like that on him. He was trying to care. He could tell his girlfriend was upset and what kind of boyfriend wouldn't want to know, to try help. I say a lot about how self-absorbed other people can be, I forget to evaluate myself this time of year.

Once the buzzing stopped, I looked down at my phone, turning onto my side and getting more comfortable.

10 unread messages
Lamppost<3-
Ror? xxx
Rory, come on baby, tell me what's wrong x
I can't help if I don't know sweet xxx
I really hope your phone is dead and you're
not trying to avoid telling me xxx
Rory?
Baby? xxx
Gus replied.
Why didn't you tell me? xx
I'd have stayed Ror. xx
Text me when your phones back on,
I won't sleep until you do. xx

I sighed. Taking a quick picture of his jumper in his bed. Throwing a text in immediately after saying he didn't have many clothes here so I got stuck with possibly the ugliest hoodie I've ever seen in my entire life. The whole time I was pulling it closer to me. The screen lit up, silently calling out his name.

23:47- Me-
I don't have my earphones x

23:47-Lamppost<3-
The side of the bed, pushed down beside the mattress.
Don't ask why they're there. xx

I cringed, shuffling and reaching down to grab them, fighting to untangle them before plugging them in.

                                                                                                                                                                                  23:49-Me-
                                                                                                                                                                                              Ok x

It rung again and I answered, blue screen lights lighting up both of our faces as we both laid in separate beds. Neither of us spoke for the first few minutes and it was making me teary eyed just having him on the other end of the line. It's very rare I cry. I just kind of work through it. But I think I've cried more in the past week than I have in the past 18 months. Everyone says it's healthy to cry. Good to get your emotions out and everything. But it is such a messy inconvenience.

"Why didn't you say something Ror?" I closed my eyes, his voice gentle and quiet. So soft. Softer than I think he'd spoken to me this whole time he'd been back and it just made me feel worse.

"I don't like talking about it. Gus and your mum and Zo, they all know that. We don't talk about it, they're just there and we hang out, play games or whatever and don't talk about it. You would. You'd look at me how everyone else does this time of year and you'd ask me about it and-" I breathed out slowly. "It's hard enough thinking about it, let alone talking about it. Then add in that you had to leave last night, I know telling you would have made that harder for you."

"Oh Rory." He sighed. "So, what did you actually do today?"

"Broke down on Gus this morning so he made me watch Gilmore Girls all day on your mums sofa."

"He called in sick to work?"

"No, Zoe says he books it off work every year." He nodded. "I did have a headache this morning. That's what started me crying at Gus and it just escalated. I didn't want to-"

"I know. I get it. I just- I need you to be honest with me Ror. I know I'm miles away and I know how hard this is going to be and it's just fallen at the worst possible time. But I can't support you if you're not honest with me. If you'd said beforehand that you just wanted to carry on like it's a normal day, I could have done that. I could have been texting you all day stupid shit to make you smile or rant at me. I could have ordered you food or made Gus cook you something better than what I have no doubt was just Pizza from Carlos'."

"I love Carlos' pizza." His lips lifted a tiny bit.

"There's like 2 other pizza take outs that deliver to mums that are so much better."

"Not a chance. Carlos' is the best."

"Are you sure that's not because of the delivery driver?" He raised an eyebrow and I laughed quietly. "Yeah. See. I knew it. They don't get paid much just as an FYI. In case you want to leave me for the pizza delivery guy."

"He does have better hoodie options than you."

"That hoodie you're wearing is designer misses."

"Really? What designer? Ugly incorporated?"

"I'll post you some more."

"I'm kidding Fin."

"I'm not. Now, tell me. What are you wearing under that hoodie?"

"Gus' boxers." He glared. "His joggers too. Although, I think they have some other guys initials on so maybe he picked up the wrong ones at the gym or something."

"Tell me you're wearing another guys clothes one more time Rory and I'll quit the team right now, drive up there, tie you to that bed and fuck you until the only name you can think of is mine." I could feel my face burning. "Now lay down on your back and show me."

"I'm not-"

"Aurora. You're in my bed, in my clothes, talking about another guy. Show me what you're wearing."

"I'm not wearing-"

"Exactly." He smirked. "Show me."

"You know, just because you use the earphones for -"

"Hey baby?"

"You keep interrupting me."

"I know. You want it to be a normal day sweet, I'll make it as normal as possible. Now pull the hoodie up and show me how good you are at doing as I say."