Seeking Summer

Chapter 2 : The world is too small for me to hide

SR : Hide - KillBunk

          Summer is here. I like summer. I have seasonal depression that takes the drivers seat when winter approaches. Cold is escapable, but for me...guess not. Even sitting by the fire, i feel cold. Cold gathers within me, and i wait for this season to just pass me by quiclky. I long for summer, and I long for warmth.

But something about this summer feels different. This summer is not able to take my seasonal depression away. Guess with time, now only the 'seasonal' in my depression went away. My summers started to feel like this from the past 2 summers now. I told myself at that time that maybe it's just because I had broken up from my first ever boyfriend 2 years ago, and maybe it's just loneliness.

But maybe that wasn't it. It was also because of a longing. A longing for something that might be beyond my reach. A longing for something that shouldn't be longed for cause it's long gone. Even when I meet new people, I want more from them. I just don't feel enough. I feel selfish for feeling this way, but people just can't provide me with what my soul longs for.
Did that make sense ? No? Well, nothing with me ever does.

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I was sitting on my bed, trying to convince myself to start with my painting that I had to summit to my art teacher the day after tomorrow. Yes, I'm an artist, and yes, it's hard for me to pay my bills, and yes, that explains some part of my depressive state.

I stared at the blank canvas, and I felt as if the canvas was staring back at me and mocking my lack of imagination. And as you can guess. I gave up. I screamed in frustration in my tiny little low maintenance room that has 2 months rent due. I screamed even more when I realised I was getting hungry, and I would now have to step outside to buy myself something.

As I was immersed in my frustration, I got a text from my friend Lia saying that she wants me to go on a blind date with her boyfriend's friend Joshua tomorrow. She says that she had set up some other friend of hers with him, but she had ditched at the last moment saying she now has some other plans.
Oh, ok. Now I'm her final resort that'll save her ass as usual ? Oh no. I texted her that I'm not interested in this blind date, and as a matter of fact this ain't a blind date cause I've seen her boyfriend's friend ' Joshua' before one time when I went out with her to a party and I have no interest and no intention to go out with him.

She texts me back saying that she had set up this whole idea of blind date for this guy and gave him some unnecessary expectations and now if she'll tell him the truth and backs off it won't be good for her image.

Her image? Why is everything about her? Why is it my problem? Oh cause, I'm her childhood friend who has always been with her, and if I back off now, I'm certainly gonna lose the one string that connects with the human world.

I'm mad at her. Sometimes, I even hate her. Like right now. I feel guilty for feeling this way cause she has also done so much for me. But then I keep on finding faults with her.
I'm gonna tell her that I'm not her helping tool that she can pick up and fix her life with when everything else fails. I'm gonna tell her to fu*k off and let me live my life in peace without any human interaction. I gonna tell her to fix her problems herself and for the first time I need her to spare me from her bullshit.

.....
After a lot of overthinking...my people pleaser dominant triat takes over and I text back,
'ok...only this last time. And I need to come back home soon so tell me an appropriate time'.
.....I hate myself.

This makes me feel so stupid cause I can't stop thinking about it now. No I don't like that guy she's setting me up with but the fact that whenever I'm supposed to meet new people,  I construct a perfect image of them, and a perfect smooth conversation that'll occur when we first meet. I have developed this tendency to fantasize about new people and how my world will change when I meet them. I imagine them to like me, I imagine them to find me interesting. I know it's really toxic to do so. Expecting so much out of people you dont even know will only break my own heart. But I don't do it intentionally. It unfortunately comes naturally to me now.

This whole thing made me forget that I was so hungry just an hour ago.
I go to my kitchen to find something but there's nothing. Why is everything today just replicating my life?

I make my mind to just go to the nearest grocery store that's like 5 minutes away from my place and end this famish. I look at my clothes and they don't seem too bad for a grocery store. I looked at my kitchen one last time to see all the things I need to buy. Ok, almost everything.

I reached the grocery store in 4 minutes, which makes me unnecessarily proud. I start to gather all the things I need, and my cart just gets heavier and heavier. Should I just get half of the things today and the rest tomorrow? But tomorrow I have to go to that stupid blind date and if I gather enough courage to buy everything today I won't have to come here for the next 2 weeks or so. It's not like I have enough money too right now, so I should definitely just buy half the grocery.

As I was having a full-fledged war in my head about the groceries, my eyes fell on a pack of tea that had a 30% off tag on it. That was also the last pack. This is the last pack saved only just for me. Life ain't that bad huh ?

As I reached out for it, I saw someone else reach out for it too. And when I saw that someone's face, I swear I could've screamed but I was stoned. This ain't happening to me right now. Joshua, the person I'm gonna go on a blind date with tomorrow is standing right in front of me and watching me buy a tea pack on discount in my pajamas.
He chuckles as he looks at me from head to toe.
I can't explain the expression on my face right now but there's definitely no word ever created for it.

WHAT AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO SAY TO HIM ?!

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AN :
Hey dear readers👋
How are you doing. I hope you liked this chapert. I'll be looking forward for your comments and don't forget to leave your valuable votes.🫶💫

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See you on Sunday or sooner.🌺

Take care🌻💜

Ps: I do not own the image uploaded for this chapter.