in pieces

12. in the darkness

After the song was recorded, I couldn't help but feel a sense of unrest. That's when things started to get shaky between us. After I went to rehab, it's like he was nervous about getting close to me. I shook my head. Maybe it was unrelated.

"Chester? Are you okay?" I heard Mike speaking.

"Were you mad at me the night I tried to kill myself? Was that night the reason you started to distance yourself? Was I the problem? Did I send you into psychosis?!" I started to hyperventilate. "Oh... oh no... I was the reason... I was the reason..." I couldn't breathe. It felt like the noose was around my neck again... strangling and strangling...

"Chester!?" I heard Mike's voice... but I gathered my thoughts and with what little breath I had left I ran to my room and locked the door, breaking down and collapsing on the floor. His face... it was why... my attempt was why. I guess you can't trust someone who tries to take their own life... maybe he never saw a future in me.

I never saw a future either.

I wasn't supposed to make it past that night.

I promised Mike that night I would never drink like that again. I promised him I'd tell him everything and my feelings. So I did... and he got angry...

I mean who would want to spend their entire life with someone like me... someone who's on the brink of snapping at all times...someone with so much baggage... someone who can't decide whether they want to live or die.

Tears spilled from my eyes down my cheeks. I glanced at the mirror sitting on the floor. I looked pathetic.

"Chester? Open the door!" I grunted in response. I realized I'd have to do whatever I can to get him to leave me alone. I barricaded the door, and then I moved into the bathroom. I looked at my sullen eyes, propping myself against the counter. I had beer in the mini fridge... I could drink this away. I opened up the beer, and soon I realized that one wouldn't be enough. Before I knew it, the whole case was gone. My head was swimming. I blacked out on the bed, not caring to unblock the door.

•••

I woke up with a pounding head and an upset stomach. I tried to sit up, only to get sick in the trash. Probably what I get for 12 beers on an empty stomach...

I moved the block and unlocked the door, my body shaking for warmth. It felt like the hall was swimming. I had to get down... I had to find someone. My legs were shaking... the stairs were moving... I lost my footing...

(How to fall down a flight of stairs...

Step one.

Step two.

Step six.

Step ten.

Floor.)

"Chester?!" I looked up confused. I was on the couch with an ice pack to my head. "Chester can you hear me?" I thought I was moving enough to let them know I was awake. "Ambulance is on its way buddy... just relax. I don't know if you can hear me but I love you. I promise you... it was never about the suicide attempt... or the drugs... or the drinking. It was just... everything was going on. Too much at once and I just snapped. I got trapped in this period of anger I couldn't get out of. So they put me on medicine... and it... it made me feel depressed. There were times Chester... I thought about ending it too. So I stopped taking it, thinking it would help... and then I... I made you leave like that..."

Too weak to respond and to tell him I was listening, I had to listen to him pour his heart out. I suddenly let out a loud groan as my body surged in pain. Tears sprung in my eyes. I was in so much pain I couldn't breathe well.