Max let me drive again and we made our way South to change direction. I sped most of the way trying to outrun the thoughts in my head. Max reeked of cigarette smoke and it made my nostrils itch. After we were several miles into the day I reached over to turn up the radio in an attempt to drown out the silence, but his hand stopped mine. He slipped his fingers into the spaces between mine and I gave his hand a gentle squeeze. I felt the tension release in his arm and he let out a hallow breath. The weight of the silence vanished and comfort took its place. He always seemed to do that. In that moment just like many others with him, I felt invincible. The air slowed down around us and the pieces of steel surrounding me fell to the floor of my worn down old car. The farther we drove the closer I felt him come to me and I prayed to whatever gods there may be in existence that this moment wouldn't end.
Then it ended.
There was a grinding sound and the car buckled.
"Shit, R, pull it off at the next exit we can't get caught on the high way." I take the very next exit and we pull off into a dirt lot, one of those plots of land that no one ever buys or sells. The small car groans to a halt in the far corner and makes a loud slamming sound when I shut off the engine. Max climbs out of the car and I open my door and pop up the hood from inside. Max stares at the inner mechanics for several minutes then calls back to me discouraged.
"You wouldn't happen to know anything about cars would you?" his voice echoes with no answer along the remains of a low unfinished concrete wall. After a long and painful half hour of him grumbling to himself staring at the metal maze of gears and pistons I couldn't take it anymore.
"We don't know engines. You don't know engines, Max." I grabbed my backpack from the back and started transferring the meager remains of our food supply into it.
"Ryan." I threw in the last 4 gatorades.
"Ryan this is irrational." I shoved some crackers into his bag.
"Ryan you need to think about this where are you even going?" I finished off the rest of the food into our bags and threw his at him. I was infuriated and I wasn't sure why. Turning away from him I shut the car door and started stomping off. I hopped over the concrete wall and heard his footsteps from behind crunching the dead grass.
"Ryan this is getting crazy we don't know where we are and the car is broken and you're just gonna go hide in the woods like you always do?" That set me off. I turned around and rammed into Max, taking him off guard, knocking him over. He started to get up and tried to grab my arms but I pushed him off.
"You think this is crazy? You think I'm being crazy, Max?" I felt the hot wet tears start running down my face. "I constantly spend every waking moment trying to be sure of my consciousness, I go home to a drunkard of father who is convinced I am nothing more than a punching bag that costs money, and to top it all off the entire school just sees me as some freaky butch of a lesbian!" I fell to my knees sobbing and Max came over and wrapped his arms around me. Halfheartedly I shook around trying to throw him off but I succumbed to his warmth and curled into him like a child. He started running fingers through my hair and let me cry for a few minutes until I got it all out. Once I calmed down he opened up a little so he could see my face and wiped my cheeks gently with his hoodie.
"Ryan I don't think you're crazy. I don't think of you as a burden or a problem, and I know for a fact you are the greatest guy I have ever met. I mean, yeah, you're an ass sometimes, you are more stubborn than a donkey, and you worry me to hell and back. But you are also intelligent, compassionate, stronger than anyone I have ever met, and handsome as hell. You are my best friend. You are the most important person in my life. Do you think I would leave school, my family, my friends for just anyone? Hell no. You are way too important to me for me to just let you go on your own, though. I love you, Ryan. I always have and always will. I won't ever leave you on your own." This time the tears were falling harder, but I didn't try to fight him. I just hugged him tighter and breathed in his smell, listened to his heart beating loud against my head, and cried.
"Max I want to go home..." I mumbled out at barely over a whisper. He picked me up off the ground and carried me back toward the car. It only took a few minutes for the cops to come after Max tipped them off and they picked us up and called his parents to come get us. That moment before, though, when I was falling apart in his arms. That was the last time I can remember feeling real. Now, as I sit here alone in this bed curled up against his hoodie I know I will never feel that again. My dad called up to me to ask if I was going to the funeral, but I didn't have it in me to answer him. Max is gone and pretty soon I will be too.
