My Vacant Heart

Taming my vacant heart

Why me? I thought watching each streetlight pass as I left my hometown, highlighting my silhouette then leaving me to darkness again, my future was decided for me, in front of each tear that dropped from my eyes, my existence was used against me, and I watched males fight for the possession of my body.

You wouldn't believe the world of monsters existed, but it does, the books fantasize majorly about our lives, but we blend in quite smoothly in this world, we make our daily living just like humans do, I think about it while I tap my pen against the cold hard plastic desk as my foot also bounces to the rhythm I've made, today this teachers gone down a rabbit hole on this subject I've disassociated from, this is why my mind wonders out there to our big shared wide world, to the witches opening there book shops, the gremlins working building and maintenance, the dwarfs being in-between security and construction, I twirl my light mousey on the shoulder brown hair while I get lost in thought, fairies , giants , gnomes, sirens its exhausting thinking about it all, I rub my persistently raw knuckles, I still haven't healed after one of my dad's weird training sessions, I don't ask questions though, I'm just not bothered about it, I used to think it was to help gain the advantage because I wouldn't attend our after programmed class of werewolf one o' one, learning the rules and laws of which we live, I wasn't interested at 5 and at newly turning 17 I'm still not, that's where my internal struggle of being alone started, I never felt like I belong, not to this town, not to my clan, and even to werewolves, I felt like my life was incompatible with this place, waiting for something , anything to stop this vacant part of me which I felt consume me most days.

My pear green doe eyes wonder around the class room to my friends dotted around each desk, I think to myself I'm thankful to have friends like mine, unpredictable, out of the normal box friends who also don't feel like belonging to a certain clan should define who you are entirely, my best friends eyes lock with me as she crosses them over sticking her tongue out, I lean my head in my hands and look at her, my mind flashed with how we met, 6 years old in the woods just getting lost in the moment of being kids, not knowing each other's name, now I look at her bright blue with green strike eyes, watching her itch her straight ginger hair under that grey beanie she wears to hide her family's ancestry curse, I roll my eyes towards the clock, god how long is this lesson? finally the sweet sound of the alloy bell rings, we pack our belongings and fumbled out into the hallway, the sea of teens weaving in and out of classrooms was chaos by lockers, the bathroom, the clicks getting together, the gossip spreading, even with my group of friends I feel like such a small boat in this rough patch of sea in my life, " it's good to have you back though lacey" my friend Cleo mentions in passing as her bouncy blonde ringlets spring with each step she takes, her arctic big blue eyes stare right through me as a light smile comes to my lips " hopefully you didn't miss us too much" piper effused hugging over my shoulders, her long dark purple colour of the month hair hangs forward in time with her head leaning on my shoulder, I've just come back from a year in the bigger city an hour's drive from ours, my dad moved us there to be closer to the main hospital where he works, it inhabited a lot more folklore then this town, but I just couldn't adjust so we moved back, I wish that was the reason but that's the reason I've told my friends, Tabitha and Penelope broke off from us to hurry to their next lesson always the good girls, piper had to make appearances with her mermaid clan, and Cleo got roped into a gossip circle with the fairies, I was daydreaming by now anyway, making my way to maths which is when he caught the corner of my sight, leaning up against the lockers, laughing with his football buddies, all thick as thieves, it was like as I stared at him while walking pass time slowed down, I watched him eye females going pass, watched as his friends rated them whose fuckable and whose used, how effortlessly he placed his hands in his pockets, how the smirk looked permanently etched on his face, I stood at my locker which was across from these cat-calling troop of miscreants and violet stood with me, leaning on the locker next to me " he acts like he runs this school" I heard her whisper, taking strands of her hair to fiddle with, I knew who she was talking about but I still looked around, catching his rich emerald eyes scanning around him, I scoff and grab my maths book stuffing it in my bag which is hanging off my shoulder, Tommy Caligula was the alphas son, so of course he was above the highest level of arrogance, in about 2 days he was about to take over leading our werewolf clan with his cousin, my brow narrowed thinking about the future, it was a complicated one since we had two twin alphas, so they ruled together, leading this clan to broken ruins before finding salvation and rebuilding from the war they created what I heard anyway, all that was way before I was born, but they had sons born on the same day at the same time so it's by pack law they both receive the heavy burden of being alphas, I got a nudge on my shoulder " you're going to be late for maths if you don't get out of your wonderland " violet stated while I received a poke to my forehead, I sighed and asked myself if anyone else was as lost in life as I was, coming back to this school, picking up where I left off, also changing my majors mid-term, I shut my locker, god what was I doing? As if the god of misfortune had a personal vendetta against me, the zip on my backpack broke, I hung my head and walked towards maths through the hallway with the rest of the stragglers, I noticed violets goodbye faintly, ah man what if I could have been born a mermaid or fairy, a banshee or maybe a harpy would I feel different? But the fact I was born a werewolf came crashing into me hard like the shoulder of Troy Banpiro first son of the master vampire through the wooden doorway of maths, his shoulder was like a brick wall as my bag tumbled to the floor, spilling my books everywhere, I stood there and accessed the mess which was my mindset right now, Ah he was still bitter crossed my mind, the laughter from the lower social circles rolled through the class like my eyes did, I picked up my books one by one, only to hear the sudden crash which stole my attention, I whipped myself up quickly to see the scene before me, Tommy had pulled Troy's chair out from under him and he was rubbing his ass as he got up and looked at me, I returned the favour by sticking my middle finger up at him, then his attention turned to Tommy " what the fuck man?" Troy protested loudly so now the whole class was watching this episode, when did he grow balls? I thought but Tommy stood tall, well I mean who couldn't at nearly 6ft 2 " No one fucks with wolfs " he growled under his breath showing his canines, I moved slowly towards my desk not taking my eyes off the pair, it's the shock of Troy standing up to someone like Tommy Caligula as he bared his vampire teeth back, it took just a step towards each other before a loud thundering clap echoed through our ear drums causing what I can only describe as a concussion as my eyes opened to all of us sat at our desks, pen in hands with our workbooks out, Mrs.Nixie our class teacher rubbed her hands and I faintly saw the sparkly haze around my eyes, fairy magic I thought as my head turned to look out the window, tricky fairy magic " Now were beginning with what we ended last lesson with" Mrs.Nixie started, out the corner of my eye I watched him turn his back to the window so he could see me out his side eye too " You ok darlin?" his smooth voice rolled off his tongue like venom, it flowed through girls veins, like they didn't know it was contaminating their minds until it was too late, I slightly looked at him rolling that pen through his perfect white teeth " I'm fine , it's just a dickhead vampire move that's all" I whispered back, I watched him look me up and down and it was then I wished I zipped up my hoody, and my boobs weren't such on show in my low white tank top, there's nothing I could do now, I've managed to stay under tommy's radar, until we had this maths class together, but even then he never even looked at me, let alone stood up for me I guess? I didn't need his help, but it did intrigued me, why now? I glanced over at him again, his solid black hair draped over his right eye while the left is neatly behind his ear, looking down to his sharp cut jawline, my stomach twinges, I moved abit in my seat to adjust myself, I placed one of my hoody strings in my mouth, my eyes dart to the board and I write down some bullshit on calculus, but he catches my eye again, his full bottom lip as he twirls that pen, even under that oversized hoody he's wearing I know he's in great shape, who wouldn't? when he's the best left tackle in this state, a bright future the paper said, but his attitude said different, he didn't care much about anything and he got away with almost everything, I guess when your dads leading the underground mafia you would have the confidence of a god too, our eyes locked and mine widen as I noticed this, the faint smell of freshly baked goods sent my senses into overdrive, as much as I swallowed I couldn't stop salivating, I gripped onto the table as I felt an ache between my thighs I've known all too well, were still staring at each other as well and I've noticed first " what the fuck do you want?" I've grumbled his eyes narrow in on me and he turns to fully face me, I shift back in my chair, the flutter that was in my chest now lays like a lead weight in my throat, he towers over me being my 5ft 10 height, he rest's his elbow on my desk and leans his chin in it "most people say thank you or are you just an ungrateful bitch?" he's hissed at me through gritted teeth, I've caught up with most of the gossip thanks to my social group of friends that tommy is the last person you want focused on you, but his eyes are boring into me, I actually can't look away nor hide the fact I've bit my lip until I've tasted blood on the inside, I can't process all these emotions that are flooding my body, I feel like with just him looking at me I'm in total submission to this guy " T-thank you" I say quietly and even his face looks astonished that I said it, what the fuck just came over me? He owns the fact he knows he has something all the girls want, but I was never one of them, but if just interacting with him causes this? il make it my mission to stay away, my eyes leave his finally and I see the hairs on the back of his neck are standing on edge, his lips curl into a hellish smirk and he gets up, grabs his bag and leaves in the middle of class, everybody watches including me, and I jump abit when the door slams behind him, I slowly turn my head towards my friend Penelope who I think has been watching, she mouths what the fuck? And I shrug really slowly I couldn't tell her what happened even if I knew myself, all I knew was all of my senses were on high alert, my lip was bleeding from biting into it badly wondering if he would kiss me as hard as he was staring at me, seeing the veins in his hand protrude out and imagining them around my neck, looking up at him as his frame towers over me, but also wondering how protected I might feel, running my hands through his hair as he holds me close to his body, I blinked coming back to my maths lesson which felt somewhat real again, I was uncomfortable sitting here now, and the school bell scares me ringing for next period, even more so watching Penelope slowly walk towards me, the fact I have to relive that moment hammers hard in my chest, I stand up collecting my things holding my broken bag together but really I'm trying to hold myself together, she pinches my elbow to get my attention " what the hell just happened?!"she blurted out linking arms with me " I guess I got on the wrong side –" she interrupted me quickly, her dark wild curly blonde hair falls pass her face for her to wipe it effortlessly back again so her light mud coloured eyes can judge me " that's the worst person to piss off lace!" she's telling me what I already know, but why am I subconsciously looking for him again in this hallway?, why do I want him to make me feel alive again, almost to save me? I'm standing by my locker and stuffing my bag in when I hear violet approach me and Penelope is already filling her in on what happened "is that why he's staring at her like he's going to eat her alive?" violet said with a worried tone and from my side view I see Penelope nodding, I freeze, why did no one tell me he's behind me on the other side of the lockers staring at me, but I like it, a secret smile has appeared on my face which I hide instantly, maybe I can get under his skin likes he's crawled under mine? I turn slowly and through the heads and bodies of passing people I extend both my middle fingers towards him, I get no reaction out of him which annoys me, he's just staring, emotionless, violet whacks my hands down and Penelope pushes me down the hallway "what the fuck do you think you're doing lacey?!" violet shrieks close to my ear, there both panicking, he can't be that bad can he? I've seen Cleo rush up in the confusion "pissing off the son of your clans alpha isn't a smart move "Penelope stated, I did roll my eyes, because what could they do kick me out? I haven't felt part of this pack since attending my first junior pup class, the first one and last one I attended "Guys its banter obviously, were cool I swear" I've lied to help my friends get over this traumatic event easier but if my best friend knows me which she does, she's going to save the educational speech till later "have you lost your fucking mind lacey?" Cleo has added after being clued in about the situation, unknowing to them they have walked me to my next lesson and with a shrug of defeat I enter my geography class with a small wave to my overexaggerating friends, I found my desk by the window and when the cool breeze blew through my hair, I started thinking did I just want his attention again? His eyes looking at me and me only? My stomach has been in knots since our last interaction, but I craved more, why though? It suddenly hit me that werewolves bond on the 18th birthday with their life mate, I was only newly turning 17 but this connection we shared was ingrained in my soul, I closed my eyes and grabbed my own hands carefully twirling my thumbs, I was craving his touch, I had to see if this was real or I was going insane, I raised my hand and excused myself, but after getting out the door to this empty hallway I battled with myself about how I just made a promise to stay away, I now realised how unhinged this was, I knew nothing about him except his name and that his dad is feared for being a ruthless mafia lord, but am I honestly about to seek him out? Am I asking for trouble? That thought made me cross my legs, the burn between my thighs told me what I needed to know, I've ignored it since I started noticing boys, my feet take me on my own adventure while I wonder inside my head, it's not like I've chosen to be a virgin, no one really measured up for me to think, yeah he's the one, I've been in plenty of situations where I could of lost it but its stuck with me like my shadow, I end up at my locker and I grab my geography paper I had to turn in anyway, I shut my locker quietly and slowly, then look over my shoulder towards tommy's locker, should I break into it? , watching one foot after another move forward I glance up to be in front of his locker, the smell of his cologne curls around my nose, my werewolf senses go mad to the point I don't think I can control myself anymore but I inhale as much as I can, it sends a shiver up my spine, my finger traces around this cold metal, I take a moment for myself because I feel like I'm on fire, I take my finger away and place it in my mouth as I walk away, I feel alive right now and I don't know why but I intend to hold onto it, I pass the toilet and go in before I head back to class, the mirror catches my eyes as I adjust my hair and I unzip my hoody abit more, my boobs weren't big, but enough I thought, I tilt my head and look over my body from side to side, I sigh and turn heading into the toilet but the only entrance door opens and closes abruptly, my body is frozen because all I can smell is his cologne.