A Kiss of Bleeding Fire

29

THREE DAYS had passed without hearing anything from Garrett. After I told him the reason why I was calling off the wedding, he did not show up his face before me. I should be thankful that he granted my wish; I should be fine with not seeing him. 

However, I couldn't just will away the gnawing feeling of longing inside of me. I missed him for the days of his absence in my life. I missed his touch, his presence, his addicting scent, and his deep dark voice that always lured me into the abyss of submission. Garrett was always a force to be reckoned with. He was always a man that could make any woman bend their will and nod at every command he said.

I wasn't lying when I said that he was out of my league. I usually put up with bad boys or fuck boys. I wanted the thrill and the excitement. Well, before, I believed in the saying that: Good boys go to heaven; Bad boys take you to heaven. So, I always wanted to be with bad boys. Little did I know that once you got the chance to be with a good boy; once you got a taste of perfection, you couldn't easily get over them. You would think of the possible ways to be with them, to get the chance to be with them.

One thing I realized after I fell for a good boy like Garrett Singson? When a good boy broke your heart, you could not easily heal. The wound was deep, so deep you feel the end of your life. Unlike bad boys, when they break up with you, it would be easier to deal with the heartache.

Now, I was still nursing the wound Garrett unintentionally left in my heart. After I decided to call off the wedding, and after I pushed him away, my heart was still beating aggressively every time I thought about him.

Yesterday, Sofia accompanied me to the last session of my Lamaze class. My due was getting nearer and nearer and it would be a lie if I said that I wasn't anxious at all. Every nerve in my body was pulsating with nervous waves. Kahit ilang beses ko pang basahin ang mga magazines na bigay ng aking OB-GYN, hindi pa rin nawawala ang kaba ko.

Needless to say, I was excited to welcome my baby— to hear his or her first cry, to feel him or her in my arms, and to know its gender. However, there was a nagging question that kept me awake every night. Will I be a good mother? Natatakot ako na baka hindi ako maging mabuting magulang sa anak ko. Natatakot ako na hindi ko maibigay ang pagmamahal na nararapat sa kaniya.

I grew up without experiencing love from my parents. I grew up without knowing how to give love. Since I was a kid, I forced people to love me. Gano'n lang ang alam kong gawin— forcing people to love and be with me. Hindi ko alam kung kaya kong mahalin ang anak ko sa nararapat na paraan.

Tears started to sting at the back of my throat. I might not have experienced such unconditional love while growing up but I would make sure that my baby would have it. I would make sure to shield him or her from any possible harm.

I have pulled away from the trance when my phone chimes startlingly beside me. I grabbed it and looked at the caller's ID. When I saw Sofia's name, a sigh rolled off my lips.

Answering the call, I hovered it up my ear, "Hey?"

"I'm close to your apartment complex. Get ready, bitch,"

"And you are calling while you're driving?"

I heard her scoff, "Who said I was driving? I am with August. He's driving us to our date,"

"August? As in your FUBU?" My eyes widened, I hadn't heard about him lately since Sofia refused to talk about him.

"Well, yeah. He volunteered,"

"Okay, will get ready. Hintayin niyo nalang ako sa lobby,"

"Okay, baby-mommy,"

I rolled my eyes before I hung up the call. Sofia and I decided to go on a date. Matagal na rin kasi kaming hindi nakakalabas dahil sa pagbubuntis ko. Besides, most of my time kasi sa mga nakalipas na araw na napunta kay Garrett. He was pretty demanding sa time ko no'n. He liked us to spend more time in his apartment doing some mundane things like watching reality shows, cooking some food, and talking about some stuff. Namiss ko tuloy kung paano niya imasahe ang paa ko.