Sweet, Sweet, Fantasies

Chapter 9:" Hit Different"

   Hey, guys, I know it's been a while but I finally got an idea based on this song, and if you haven't figured it out yet a lot of my chapters are based on songs and how they made me feel! For a while I've been scared to write something like this because I feel I wouldn't execute it right, so hopefully I do!

Sukiyani Chang (Su-key-ya-knee)
Phil Chang
Jalani Masters ( Ja-la-ni )

Please play the song throughout the chapter for your full enjoyment!

Trigger Warning: mentions of self-harm, eating disorders, and suicide
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I sigh as I look in the mirror naked, not exactly happy with what I am seeing. Ever since I had my daughter, my body has been changing in many ways. I saw nothing but rolls on rolls. Pulling on the excess skin, I finally decided to move away from the mirror before I made myself cry.

"Sukiyani!"

I hurriedly put on a robe to cover myself up as I heard my husband's footsteps come closer to the room.

"Sukiyani...you've been in the room for an hour, I thought you wanted to go out with Mila and me to eat." Philly sighed as he saw me standing in the closet.

"I hope you weren't beating yourself up again. How many times do I have to tell you, you're beautiful? I know you think because you put on some weight from having our daughter that it makes you think you look less gorgeous in my eyes but that's far from the truth." He said as he walked towards me and put his hands under my ass to lift me into his arms.

"Yes, I know but you're not living in this body, I have to and I'm not happy with how I look, I'm over 250 pounds. I don't even know how you have the strength to pick me up." I sighed as I buried my head into his neck, surprised that he was even able to carry me to our bed. Although I knew I shouldn't be surprised, my fiancé was a bodybuilder and the owner of his branch of gyms so he probably picks up this much weight in the gym. The Chang Way was his legacy.

"I'm always gonna pick up my big ole crybaby." He said as he squeezed me and then dropped me on the bed.

"Now, put on something that makes you feel nice because our 3-year-old is waiting for us and Bluey will only hold her attention for so long." He said as he walked out of our room.

I huffed as I walked back into the closet looking at the mirror again. In my reflection, I saw my curly pixie cut looking a bit messy. I dropped my robe and looked at my naked body again, staring at my hourglass pudgy body and my full breasts. Although gravity didn't do much to make me think they were attractive. My belly bulged over my hips, my thighs were just as thick as peanut butter, and my hip dips misshaped my not-so-big flat behind.

I was just a bottle of insecurities, I have been my whole life. I was a big girl growing up and was constantly bullied till I started starving myself in my pre-teens leading to anorexia for years. I was very lonely those years, the only thing bringing me joy was that I was no longer bullied for being big but I was self-harming in the dark.

I was so afraid of becoming big again that I did anything to remain small and if I even gained a pound, the suicidal thoughts, and comments on my body from the past would replay in my head. Now I'm battling binge eating in secret from my husband and child. I don't want my husband to know this shameful side of me and for my daughter to pick up on my habits.

I will eat anything to fill that emotional void that opens like a cavity in the earth. My binge eating has gotten even worse now that I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar type II, and CPTSD. To think it took me having PPD for someone to take my mental health issues seriously. I've also developed PCOS which was making it harder to lose weight.