The End Of The Darkness Era

The Darkness

         For 20 years I've lived in fear, anxiety, and scared to do anything. Never knowing if THEY would be around, ready to trap me into talking to them or doing worse like they did in the past. My youth was taken from me because of them, I had to grow up a lot faster than a child should have to. Having their innocents taken away, and not sure who they are or what they are supposed to do. I've lived my 20 years feeling like I have an identity crisis, after years of trying to find me I always look in the mirror at myself and just see "that girl who's dad wanted revenge."           

       Always makes me sick to think a MAN who is supposed to love and project you would go and take a child's innocence away just to get revenge on their ex spouse. Who could put hands on a child and force them into things that they don't want to do. At night is when everything replies in my head screaming for help, to stop, or to even just take me away and just let me go into the afterlife. At one point I started to feel numb, I didn't even realize what the both of them were planning and one was doing the deed was "wrong". I never knew how a father or grandfather was supposed to treat their grandchildren, they were always twisted in their sick ways. The older I got the more I understood and started to realize what was wrong.

         But I'm not going to go down that road and talk about EVERYTHING that has happened. They don't deserve to always be the topic in my life anymore as much as they already are/were. Jumping to 20 years later, thinking that I was starting to get on the right track working on finding myself and not letting any setbacks take place. Than *BOOM* a week into getting set and ready to go back to school for something I love, I get a message telling me that the man I used to call "grandpa" when I was nine died. At first I felt relief, knowing that all the nightmares were going to come to an end knowing that one of the predators wouldn't be around anymore. But here I am crying, shedding tears for my younger self, I did like the man at one point in my life. He was a poet and gave me the love to write, writing has always been something that I am passionate about sharing my thoughts and feelings while also helping others letting them know that they are not alone when in times we feel like nobody is there.

        I don't remember the memories too much that we shared with each other but I do remember always wanting to read his poems and learn about how he viewed life. He used to write the most beautiful poems and have them published... But how does such a sick man who has sick thoughts write about the most beautiful things in life, it always makes my mind run around in circles with a big ball of anxiety trying to understand everything. But that's the one thing about life you can never truly understand someone's mind unless you can physically pry it out of them. But I guess this is my way of telling him "goodbye" . I have no other way or idea to help myself mourn the loss of him, but he was a writer and this is the way that seems to make justice. Now that he's gone and I am feeling grief it's time to make myself a new person. Live life as somewhat the best I can and less in fear, at least for the other person who I am fearful of won't come around.. Thanks to my protective mother who made his life hell and had him locked up for years for what he did, while the man who passed served no time like he should've with his son.

        Thank you for reading, if you ever had felt this way about somebody or had the same horrible past. Please know that you are not alone, you are not a forever victim for whatever horrific experience that you have felt to put a big stomp on your life. You heal, and will move on sometimes it takes longer than what we want but keep on working on yourself you got this.