five years

how does something five years long feel like it's not even real
is that my brain trying to protect itself by locking it away?
i look back on it now with missing chunks of time
sometimes wondering did i imagine it all
there's weeks i don't think of you once
and days where all i can do is remember
you were ugly inside and out
you sucked the life out of me
you hated when I compared you to him
even though you beat me worse than he ever did
I remember your hands around my neck
I remember your fists connecting with my face
I remember the ache of the bruising
I remember many tears and a lot of pain
I remember the expression on your face that terrified me
I remember the moment I knew that if I stay, I die
I guess that's what I get for giving the "nice guy" a chance
you really fooled me, a wolf in sheep's clothing
you told me I was the only girl you ever hit
and therefore, it had to be all my fault
you told me I was the problem while my cheeks burned from being slapped
you told me I was worthless, that no one would love me as much
when you're told something so many times you start to believe it's true
when you're conditioned to be afraid, you start to associate love with pain
five years of suffering is all a blur now
five years i mourn, wasted on you