To My Crushes

Him

I've liked you for a while now. I don't actually know what got me to start liking you, but whatever the reason was, it clearly was enough to make these feelings last for almost 2 years. Every time I think I'm over it, the feelings just come back when I see you or even hear your name. I still don't know the reason but I do know that there's something about you that always puts me in a good mood no matter what. You calmed my anxiety in ways I didn't even know was possible and I didn't even think my anxiety could be calmed. Whenever I wasn't in the best mood and I saw you, my entire mood changed. I could be pissed off, bawling my eyes out, extremely anxious, completely done with the world, but the second I see you or start talking/thinking about you, all that negative emotion goes away. Your smile always lit up the room. Always. There is something about your smile that always made me smile. Like genuinely smile. Whenever I'm around you, I always get that damn butterfly feeling in my stomach. I get that feeling just thinking about you.
There's small things that you always do and I love each of them. Making eye contact with me always puts a warm and cozy feeling within me. Every single time you smiled at me or in general, it just lit up my entire life. Your smile just makes me think everything is going to be okay. Your awkward little laugh when you don't know what to do or it is an awkward conversation. The happiness always being shown in your eyes when you get excited about something or when you smile. You being excited about your hair when it finally got to a certain length. The excitement when someone complimented your earrings after you got them pierced. the excitement after any compliment really. The little laugh after every little joke. The genuine kindness and the fact you don't make me feel judge no matter what I'm going on about. I never feel judged when I'm around you. I've never been uncomfortable around you. I've always felt comfortable and home. I shouldn't say I feel at home around you since we are just mutuals but I do. Whenever I say I want to go home, even when I'm at my house, you are always the first thought that comes into my head. I care about you more than I care about myself. That isn't healthy, but it's true. I cared about you from the moment I saw you. I love being around you. There's something about you that always makes me feel better. I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, I love it. You have always been so nice to me, even though you had zero idea who I was. I was just some random girl who would start talking to you, and you kept the conversation going, even though we weren't friends. You barley knew me and yet you engaged yourself in every conversation with me. Every time we were apart of the same conversation, I noticed that you rarely looked away from me. Like you were watching for my reaction to everything. Every interaction replays within my head. Every conversation stuck in my mind. They never leave. I replay them and replay them in my head until I feel like everything is going to be okay. Your smile is constantly an image in my mind, it's burned into my brain. I forget it's there until I think about you and then that is all I can see. Then I'm suddenly okay.
When this crush started, I didn't expect this to be a big part of my life. I never depended on someone so much for happiness. Everyone always tells me that I'll find the person I'm meant to be with. The one who will break down every wall within me. The one who won't care about any of my issues. The one that just wants to be with me, the real me. In reality, I have to fight every urge to tell you every single detail about what's happening. I want to share everything with you, but I know I can't. I'll think I like someone else but then I see you or you appear in my dream. All I can think is that nobody compares to you. I could keep going, but that would take forever to say. I could go on for hours, days, weeks, years. I could talk for a whole lifetime about how you make me feel. I wish I could, but neither of us have time for that. I have no idea what my future holds, but I know one thing. I want you apart of it in some way.