Bad Blood - Vampire Cohorts Book 4 #Wattys2015

Chapter Three: For Sanity's Sake

William stayed with me that first day. He took me up to the apartment where he could let his gift loose and block out the noise without affecting our other psychics. He worked while I curled up on the sofa and cried. Gífre and Frec stayed close, their mournful eyes watching me as though they feared they'd lose me too. If I starved, then I hoped someone would look after Leof's menagerie. I would need to ask William or Gunner...

Although I doubted that I could ask much more from Conn's Second. I struggled to rely on him anyway, to remain close to Conn's probable successor. He would take Leof's mantle only because of my failure, and he loved me even though I was unobtainable. That made everything so much harder, and I wrestled with my own conflicting emotions until I couldn't bear it any longer. The following night I sent him away, but that night was a living hell.

The Cohort was too loud, a thousand screams shrieking at me even though no one else could hear the din. I clawed at my arms and bit at my wrists, trying to use the sting to focus my mind, but Conn's people took a sledgehammer to my sanity. When Lex came to check on me before dawn, she took one look at my raw and bloody arms and my shadowed eyes, then sent immediately for William. It frightened her; I think. My deterioration. Perhaps more so when I screamed at them both until they left me alone.

Conn had been my shield. The only shield I wanted. Relying on William felt too much like replacing him. I tried to persuade myself that I didn't need anyone's help to cope. Such a foolish notion.

The constant intrusion of others' emotions into my mind was more than I could bear. For the better part of two days, I lay in the foetal position on Conn's sofa. Tears streamed over my cheeks, and I cried until I couldn't see. I could barely force my hoarse voice to croak words. Even drawing breath exhausted me. I longed to die, even though I knew it wouldn't help.

Then again if Tiw claimed my soul and forced me into Valhalla, I might at least see Leof. That I would see him die over and over, and that I would die alongside him, didn't concern me half as much as it should. It wouldn't be so different to the millennium I spent in Ragnar's 'care'. I'd fight. I'd hurt. It would fade to black and then start over again, but at least Leof would be there too. We could give each other... something. It had to be better than being alive, without him, with my head full of more noise than I could endure.

That thought barely registered before Hygd landed next to me, pecking at my hand, and demanding my attention. He regarded me with beady, too-knowing eyes; his stare an accusation. He knew my thoughts, just as his master would've known. Maybe they all knew because Gífre licked my hand and Mynd flew to the door, rapping on it with his beak until I got the message.

Go to William. Find a few hours of sanity. Admit defeat.

I struggled upright, dragging myself to the door. I hadn't eaten food or fed on blood since Conn's death. My body had started to fail, and I knew it would decline as quickly as my mind fractured. That was something, at least. I wanted that much.

I staggered out of the apartment, stumbling on the landing. If there hadn't been too large wolves in front of me, then I probably would've gone headfirst down the stairs. It took all my willpower to put one foot in front of the other, and to remain upright as grief, anger, and a hundred other emotions assaulted my consciousness. If anyone spoke to me as I made my way through Milbank, then I didn't hear them. I barely even saw where I was going, and I navigated the corridors more because Gífre and Frec stayed either side of me than through my own design.

When William answered his door and found me outside, he didn't hesitate. He took my hand and pulled me into his apartment, blocking the rest of the house from my mind and shielding me from the scrutiny of those I'd passed on my way to his suite. What a blessed relief.